“Economy not looking good. Some bad job numbers. Employers cut over 500,000 jobs. This is the worst job loss in 34 years. The only bright side, at least Bush is losing his.” -Jay Leno
“This weekend, at a Kennedy Center Awards ceremony, Barbra Streisand kissed President George W. Bush. Yeah. The ultimate liberal kissed President George W. Bush. Yeah. Afterward, Bush said, ‘Who was that guy?'” -Conan O’Brien
“And insiders say that President Bush and his wife, Laura, have already bought a home in Dallas, Texas, to move into after they leave the White House. And if this turns out to be true, this would be the first time in his presidency he’s actually had an exit strategy.” -Jay Leno
“You can tell President Bush has been living in public housing a little too long. Like, when a reporter asked him if he was looking forward to escrow he said, ‘You know, I don’t like snails.'” -Jay Leno
“President-elect Barack Obama was on ‘Meet the Press’ yesterday. And he told the American people the economy was going to get worse before it gets better. That’s what he said. It’s going to get worse. See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election, ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘Change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed, good night, thank you! It’s going to get worse!'” -Jay Leno
“Let me just say a word about these jokes that I am telling right now, ladies and gentlemen. Like President-elect Obama says, ‘It’s going to get worse before it gets better.'” -David Letterman
“Oh, and Barack Obama, you know, he smokes cigarettes. But he’s promising not to smoke cigarettes in the White House, which I think is good. I think that’s really good, because we all know what happened to the last president who used tobacco products in the oval office.” -Jay Leno
“Here’s something that is funny and also serious and not so funny at the same time but mostly funny. Barack Obama smokes cigarettes. And he has tried to quit. And he quit but every now and then he’s got to –you know. It’s hard to break old habits but it can be done. For an example, a couple of years ago, President Bush quit working. So, it can be done.” -David Letterman
“But the President-elect says that he still will smoke occasionally. And I remember on Election Day when he smoked John McCain, so it’s true.” -David Letterman
“But Obama says that sometimes the urge is so strong he really can’t control himself and he just has to have one. And he — no, wait, that was President Clinton. That’s a different deal.” -David Letterman
“Well, the Big Three, as you know, are not selling as many cars and they have got to pay those big union payments. So they went to the government looking for some of that sweet Federal bailout money. But instead of the bailout, they should apply for farm subsidies, you know, because of all the lemons they produced over the years.” -David Letterman
“And this is true. This year, the Treasury Department is holding its annual holiday party inside something called the cash room. You know what that is in Washington, the cash room? That’s a big room where the Treasury Department holds all its cash it has on hand. Of course, these days it’s empty, so plenty more room to party.” -Jay Leno
“How about this Barack Obama, President-elect Barack Obama. Bush ought to take his last two months worth of paychecks and give them to Barack Obama, because he’s working harder than the President. He’s come up with a great initiative to create 2.5 million jobs for Americans. Kind of the catch is we all have to move to China.” -David Letterman
“Everybody in Detroit right now is hoping for a bailout for the auto industry. All of Detroit’s consumed with this. And true story, it was in the news, this Sunday. In Detroit, a church put an SUV on stage in order to pray for a miracle for the Big Three automakers. And apparently, there was a miracle. Someone bought the SUV. At factory price.” -Conan O’Brien
