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Late Night Political Humor


“Hey, you probably saw this on the news. A very embarrassing moment at the Illinois State Capitol today. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich attended the opening of the nativity scene. And when the three wise men showed up with gifts for the baby Jesus, Blagojevich demanded half the loot.” -Jay Leno

“Hey, what are you folks getting for Christmas? Well, I tell you what, Illinois is getting a new governor.” -David Letterman

“Yesterday was Governor — is it Blagojevich or Bla-son-of-a-bitch? — it was his birthday. You know what sign Blagojevich was born under? ‘For sale.’ I believe that was the sign.” -Jay Leno

“Yesterday President-elect Barack Obama called on Illinois Governor Blagojevich to resign. And after hearing this, Blagojevich said, ‘If he wants to call and talk to me, it’s $4.99 a minute.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Actually, it’s getting pretty serious. President-elect Barack Obama has called for Blagojevich to resign, but he refused. He refused a directive from the next President of the United States, to which Hillary Clinton said, ‘So?'” -Jay Leno

“And of course, the bad news for Governor Blagojevich is that there’s no chance President Bush will pardon him because Bush can’t even pronounce his name.” -Jay Leno

“They’ve been doing some research into Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. Have you seen this guy? Well, it turns out that thing on his head actually mated with that thing on Donald Trump’s head. It’s getting ugly.” -David Letterman

“People close to the case talked about Blagojevich. They said that he was willing to do anything for money. That’s why he was going to sell the Senate seat. See, that is so wrong. You know, in this country — let me tell you something. If you want money, you do what everybody else does, okay? You go to Congress and you demand a bailout. That’s what we do.” -Jay Leno

The Economy

“And I love this idea. Congress wants to promote a car czar to oversee the auto industry. You know, even if he’s half as successful as Bill Bennett was as the drug czar, oh, our problems will be solved. A car czar. What democracy has a czar?” -Jay Leno

“Why is it every time we have a government crisis, we reverse to feudalism? We need a mortgage duke. A duke of mortgages. We need an energy ayatollah in this country.” -Jay Leno

“Well, it looks like the automakers are going to get their bailout money. But not if the Republicans have anything to do with it. I understand Republican Senator David Vitter, remember him? The one involved with all the hookers? Remember that guy? Well, he blasted the auto industry. He called the plan ass backwards. That’s what he called it, ass backwards. And he should to know, because he used to pay extra for that.” -Jay Leno

“Don’t you love how these guys care nothing about the working man? The working girl, oh, they’ll give her all the money.” -Jay Leno

Other Political News

“Hey, bad news for Senator Larry Craig. You know, America’s favorite restroom enthusiast? You know Larry Craig. The court has refused his request to change his guilty plea. Remember, he was charged with soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in an airport men’s room. He wanted the plea changed from ‘guilty’ to just ‘jiggling the wrong handle'” -Jay Leno

“In a recent interview with ABC, President Bush said he is not a literalist when it comes to the Bible, or the Constitution either, for that matter.” -Jay Leno

“And according to ‘The Washington Post,’ during his eight years in office, President Bush spent 2,496 hours on the treadmill, elliptical machine, and mountain bike. And spent another 15 minutes working on the economy.” -Jay Leno

“According to an article about President Bush’s fitness routine that just came out, during his Presidency, Bush has spent 2,500 hours walking on a treadmill. Yeah. Bush said he only wanted to be on the treadmill for 45 minutes but he couldn’t figure out how to turn it off.” -Conan O’Brien

“A rare snowstorm hit New Orleans today. It snowed in New Orleans. You see that? Unbelievable. Not wasting any time, FEMA announced they will have plows in the New Orleans area within the next six to eight months.” -Jay Leno

“Hey, a little bit of history for you. It was on this day, in 1872, America’s first black governor took office in Louisiana. Did you know that? Ironically, the man he beat out for the job, John McCain.” -Jay Leno

“By the way, you know who is on the program tonight? Senator John McCain. Now he shows up. By the way, he thinks the campaign is still going on.” -David Letterman

“But we’re happy to have the Senator on the program. And if he does well on the program tonight, CBS might give him the 10:00 p.m. slot.” -David Letterman

“Golden Globe nominations out today, and Sarah Palin was nominated for one. Her category is Outstanding Comedy Performance in a Presidential Campaign.” -David Letterman