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Late Night Political Humor


“How about that guy that heaved his shoes at the president? Of course, everybody is saying well, what happened to the Secret Service? Good question. Where is the Secret Service? From now on, alright, take off your shoes. It’s going to be that way. You want to see the president? Alright, slip out of those shoes.” -David Letterman

“Have you watched this tape? Some people are criticizing the Secret Service, because the shoe thrower caught them off guard. The man was able to throw a second shoe. A spokesman for the Secret Service said, ‘Sorry, but we were laughing our asses off.'” -Conan O’Brien

“The Bush administration has a new slogan: ‘Duck!'” -Jay Leno

“As you know, President Bush took a surprise trip to Baghdad over the weekend and had a press conference with the Iraqi premier. A reporter threw his shoes at him, almost hit him. And the guy who threw the shoes, this guy was so angry, he was so anti-Bush, at first people just assumed he was an American journalist, but no.” -Jay Leno

“So the guy who threw the shoes is now a hero in Iraq. They say he’s shown the world that Iraqis have no masters, but I think what he really showed the world is that Iraqis have no aim, because he was like four feet away and couldn’t hit him.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“It turns out this guy was described as a hot head. He’s a guy who is an Iraqi journalist. They say he’s a hot head with poor journalistic skills. Well, no surprise, today he was offered his own show on Fox News.” -David Letterman

“In fact, to give you an idea how bad the economy is in Iraq, the shoes that were thrown at Bush came from Payless.” -Jay Leno

“I was impressed by how nimbly President Bush was able to dodge those shoes. I know he’s got a lot of dodging experience from his years during the Vietnam War, but this was pretty slick.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“But I’ve got to give President Bush credit for this, because he’s taking it all pretty well. He says that he’s actually happy about the shoe-throwing episode, because he says it proves finally that Iraq does, in fact, possess foot wear of mass destruction.” -David Letterman

“By the way, this is the country we thought had nuclear weapons. It turns out they have a pair of size 9 Hush Puppies instead.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Today, President Bush told reporters that the shoe-throwing incident was one of the weirdest moments of his presidency. Yeah, Bush said the only thing weirder was the time he got re-elected.” -Conan O’Brien

“And it’s not just President Bush, today somebody threw a pair of shoes at Sarah Palin. And she was very upset. She said, ‘Do you have these in black?’ and threw them back.” -Jay Leno

The Economy

“And this is the big news in New York. Well, all over the world, really. It’s just an amazing story. A Wall Street tycoon named Bernard Madoff has been arrested for running a $50 billion Ponzi scheme. $50 billion. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That’s where they use the money of new investors to pay off the older investors. Or as we call it, Social Security.” -Jay Leno

“But you know something? Shouldn’t the first clue have been the guy’s name? Madoff, you know, as in ‘made off with the money,’ you know? I mean, who were his partners, Pilfered and Swindled?” -Jay Leno

“And you can tell, President Bush, you know, he’s not a financial guy. God bless him, but he doesn’t understand anything. Like, when they tried to explain the Ponzi scheme, he said, ‘Wait a minute, Ponzi, you’re confusing two people. It’s either Potsy or Fonzie.'” -Jay Leno

“The economy is in bad shape. I went shopping over the weekend. I got an Illinois Senate seat for $149. Amazing, marked down from half a million.” -Jay Leno

“And it’s not just here in America. Queen Elizabeth has announced that the economy is so bad in England, she is asking all members of the royal family to reduce their spending, otherwise, they would face the ultimate disaster, you know, having to get a real job. God forbid, they don’t want to do that.” -Jay Leno

Unusual Politics

“I don’t know. Listen to this, ladies and gentlemen. Here’s something that happened. The Electoral College has officially elected Barack Obama as president of the United States. I don’t know anything about politics or elections, but boy, it’s really starting to look bad for John McCain.” -David Letterman

“And a big surprise on the Sunday morning news shows. Senator John McCain said he may not support Sarah Palin if she’s around in 2012. Of course, the bigger question, will McCain be around in 2012? That’s probably the bigger question, but hey.” -Jay Leno

“The current administration, of course, is winding down, not just President Bush, but everybody is sort of talking about the eight years. Yesterday, Dick Cheney was interviewed by ABC News, and he reflected on his eight years in office. Yeah. And he turned into a bat and disappeared in a puff of smoke.” -Conan O’Brien

“And in New Jersey, the state Senate is working on a bill to legalize medical marijuana. They say it’s the one thing that could actually ease the pain of having to live in New Jersey, so that’s good.” -Jay Leno


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