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Late Night Political Humor

“Well, ladies and gentlemen, today is an historic day down in Washington because five living presidents had lunch together. George Herbert Walker Bush, George W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama all at the White House, all having lunch. What a day. And while this was going on, John McCain was at Applebee’s blowing on his soup.” -David Letterman

“President Bush hosted Barack Obama and all three living former presidents at the White House today. Pretty impressive. Jimmy Carter 39, was there. Bush 41 was there. Bush 43 was there. Clinton 69 was there.” -Jay Leno

“It was an historic day in Washington, as all four living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. Presidents Clinton, Carter, both Bushes, and Barack Obama sat down to share a meal. President Bush was especially excited. It’s his place, and when the guys all walked in, he said, ‘Hey, you’re the guys from the paintings in my office!” -Jimmy Kimmel

“I understand the lunch went well. Only three shoes thrown.” -David Letterman

“Actually, there was one awkward moment, when President Bush asked all the other former presidents, he said, ‘Don’t you hate it when your approval rating goes below 15%?'” -Jay Leno

“George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the waitress.” -David Letterman

“President Bush and President-elect Barack Obama did have a historic lunch with the three former presidents. Yeah. Of course, Bill Clinton was the only one who brought a date. ” -Conan O’Brien

“You know, President Bush keeps giving interviews about his eight years as president. Earlier this week, he said his greatest accomplishment … was his effort to privatize Social Security, even though he never actually did it. That’s President Bush. Isn’t it? Your greatest accomplishment? Well, there aren’t any. But if there were, by golly, here’s what it would be.” -Jay Leno

“And you know, I think he’s trying to struggle to come up with some accomplishments. They’re trying to make him look good, you know. Like today, he took credit for ending the drought in New Orleans.” -Jay Leno

“This is something President Bush did this week. He has declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments, making it the largest marine reserve on the planet. Largest on the planet. And they are now totally protected. Unless, of course, somebody finds oil. Then all bets are off.” -Jay Leno

“On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama is going to be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Because, folks, nothing says ‘hope for the future’ like General Motors. … The good news is that at least they sold one car, apparently.” -Conan O’Brien

“Well, we’re just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he’s been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on ‘American Idol,’ wasn’t it? ” -David Letterman

“The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to select Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Yeah, Obama said the CNN doctor must be pretty good, because he’s kept Larry King alive all these years.” -Conan O’Brien

“But surgeon general, that’s a tough position, and it was hard for Obama to make the choice. It was between Gupta, Dr. Phil and a guy on ‘Scrubs.'” -David Letterman

“Now, some political experts were really surprised that Obama’s pick for surgeon general is mainly known for talking about health care on television, but apparently Obama got the idea from President Bush, who once tried to appoint the cast of ‘Scrubs.'” -Conan O’Brien

“The United States Army announced that they will accept overweight recruits. So now when a soldier is AWOL, it means he’s at Wendy’s ordering lunch.” -David Letterman

“You know that you’re an overweight recruit in the Army when you see a Domino’s guy crawl into your foxhole.” -David Letterman

“As you know, Governor Blagojevich is in trouble for allegedly trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. And in an interview today, Blagojevich said … ‘If what I’ve done is impeachable, then I’m on the wrong planet.’ That’s what he said. Yeah, yeah. That would explain the Klingon helmet hair.” -Jay Leno

“Actually, it looks like Roland Burris will get his Senate seat. But Senate leaders said not until his certificate is signed by the Illinois secretary of state. They say this has been the rule since 1884. They’ve never, ever waivered from this. Of course, over the past eight years, they’ve waved rules against, you know, torture and spying on Americans and violating the Constitution, but never the little signature.” -Jay Leno