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Late Night Political Humor

“Barack Obama now the 44th President of the United States. Fascinating. As you know, we’ve never had an African-American president. We’ve had a Dutch-American president. We’ve had an Irish-American president. We’ve even had an incompetent American president. But we’ve never had an African-American president.” -Jay Leno

“Barack Obama is the new President of the United States, our 44th. As our first African-American president, Obama fulfills the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, and as our first Hawaiian president, he fulfills the dream of Don Ho.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Today, the 20th of January, in the year of our lord, 2009, Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States of America. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. It was very brave of me to admit that. And you can already feel the change sweeping across this great land as a new era begins. A time of brotherhood when men of different backgrounds and beliefs will come together to marry one another.” -Stephen Colbert

“Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts made a mistake during the swearing in of Barack Obama. That’s the second mistake the Supreme Court has made with a president, if you count the time they declared Bush the winner.” -Jay Leno

“You know, it’s really fascinating to watch this peaceful transfer of power. Because we’re the envy of the world that we’re able to do this. … In fact, John McCain said he was so moved by today’s events, he suspended his campaign again.” -Jay Leno

“What an historic day, ladies and gentlemen. The whole country was riveted by Barack Obama’s inauguration. Two million people were in Washington to watch it, and then everyone else in the country watched it on TV. Yeah, I don’t think America’s been this excited since they figured out how to put cheese inside pizza crust.” -Conan O’Brien

“They estimate that around two million people crowded in to the National Mall to see Obama’s swearing-in ceremony, which is the first time a mall has been crowded in about a year.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Now, a lot of people thought I didn’t want Barack Obama to be president, that is not true. I just didn’t want him to be president of America. I thought he could do a great job in Nicaragua. If I am sad, it is only for the Nicaraguans. Lo siento, mis amigos. Lo siento. But this man is now our president, and as an American, I pledge to support him unconditionally, for as long as he remains popular.” -Stephen Colbert

“Every single TV network was covering the inauguration, except Fox. They’re still doing the recount.” -Jay Leno

“Now, if you could not afford to go to the inauguration, there’s a perfect way to recreate the experience at home. Here’s what you do. You play back the tape of Barack and then you put the air conditioner on full blast, then stand in line for six hours waiting to use your own bathroom.” -Jay Leno

“This is a true story. Some people alongside Barack Obama’s inaugural parade route got bored waiting for it to start. So, did you see this? They started doing the electric slide. Yeah, apparently, the best way to celebrate our first black president is to do the whitest dance imaginable.” -Conan O’Brien

“I think Barack Obama missed the perfect opportunity to balance the budget today. Did you see those thousands of port-a-potties? Make them pay toilets, we’d have a surplus by tomorrow.” -Jay Leno

“Well, did you all see Obama’s speech? He said America is finally ready to lead again, to which Bush said: ‘Hey, I’m sitting here! Hello! I’m still here!'” -Jay Leno

“Vice President Cheney pulled a muscle in his back. Did you see him in the wheelchair today? You would think being in a wheelchair would make Cheney more sympathetic, but it made him look kind of evil, didn’t it?” -Jay Leno

“Former Vice President Cheney was in a wheelchair at the inauguration. His aides say he pulled a muscle while moving boxes yesterday. But I don’t know if I believe that. In fact, if you look closely, you can see the reason he’s in a wheelchair is because his feet turned back into hooves a day before they were supposed to. That was not as it was agreed upon in the pact.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“And it was cold. It was so cold in Washington, it felt like Hillary’s inauguration. It was so cold, Al Gore led a prayer for global warming. In fact, by the end of the inauguration, everybody’s face looked like Nancy Pelosi.” -Jay Leno

“Very cold today in Washington. Yeah. In fact, with the wind chill, President Bush’s approval rating reached minus 13.” -Conan O’Brien

“And during the inauguration, Washington, D.C., set up prostitution-free zones. Areas where there is no prostitution? Isn’t that supposed to be the whole city, huh? I mean, is Washington so corrupt now we just rope off the areas where people actually follow the law?” -Jay Leno

“Everybody was using superlatives today to talk about this historic day, all the broadcasters. During NBC’s coverage, Brian Williams said that the inauguration is like the Super Bowl. Yeah. The only difference is that the New York Jets had a chance to go to the inauguration.” -Conan O’Brien

“And Jill Biden, Vice President Joe Biden’s wife, slipped on the Oprah Winfrey show when she said, ‘Well, you know, Barack Obama actually offered Joe the vice presidency or Secretary of State.’ She said she was glad that Joe Biden chose the vice presidency because he would be home with her more often. See, the Secretary of State is out of the country way too much, so Joe Biden went with the vice presidency. His decision led Bill Clinton to say to Joe, ‘I owe you, man!’ -Jay Leno

“Barack Obama is in the latest issue of the ‘Spider-Man’ comics. That’s when you know you’re big, when you’re in ‘Spider-Man’ comics. The story is about how Spider-Man stops bad guys from ruining Barack’s inauguration. And psychologists believe this comic book was actually very handy in helping President Bush understand the transition.” -Jay Leno

“Officials at the White House say that President Bush completed his last piece of official business in the Oval Office at 6:00 am this morning. Yep. Bush says it should take Obama weeks to find where he hid the dead fish.” -Conan O’Brien

“You know, I tell you something, it’s silly to say that President Bush was the worst president of all time. We don’t know that. All we can say is that he was the worst president so far, right?” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Now, people who went to elementary school with Barack Obama say that they remember him as a chubby boy named Barry. Yeah. And folks, even as we speak, those people’s tax returns are being audited.” -Conan O’Brien


One Comment

  1. eczema wrote:

    of course, everyone knows the slimebag is from Kenya. Once again, never underestimate the stupidity of the American people.

    Friday, January 23, 2009 at 7:38 am | Permalink