Political Irony

“Yesterday, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama met the Queen of England. As a gift, they gave the Queen an iPod. I guess she can use that while she’s jogging. And she likes it. She said it’s so much easier to use than that giant boom box she used to carry around.” – Jay Leno

“It was a big day in London. President Obama met Queen Elizabeth and gave her an iPod with 40 Broadway songs loaded on it. Someone needs to tell Barack not all queens like show tunes.” – Jimmy Fallon

“So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they’re saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope.” – Jay Leno

“Protesters in London tried to disrupt the G20 summit. One bank was overrun with anti-money demonstrators. And they kept shouting, ‘Abolish money!’ Luckily, they were beaten back by an outraged Heather Mills.” – Jay Leno

“I’m so happy you people are here, because, I don’t know how to explain this, but some nights we get audiences that really create problems. And last night, it wasn’t really an audience. It was more like a G20 riot, is what it was.” – David Letterman

“People in England are lining up by the thousands to see President Obama, because this is really different for them. They’ve never seen someone like him — a 47-year-old man with a full set of perfect teeth.” – Jay Leno

“And the press is going crazy over First Lady Michelle Obama. They say she is the reason for the sleeveless fashion trend that is sweeping Europe. But President Bush spoke about this today. He said he is appalled by it. He said, ‘Sleeveless? How does she wipe her nose?'” – Jay Leno

“Do you know that over 500 administrative staff members traveled to London with the President? Not for the summit. They just want to be out of the country during tax time.” – Jay Leno

“At the big G-20 summit, President Obama met with the Chinese president, and they had the traditional exchanging of gifts. The Chinese do that. They exchange gifts. President Hu Jintao gave President Obama a gift made in China, and President Obama gave Hu a gift from America made in China.” – Jay Leno

“And things are not going well with this auto bailout. President Obama called from England today to check on the status of it. You know Joe Biden has not sold a single car? Not one car since this whole thing started.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama, this guy has got guts. I mean he comes in, and I’ll tell you something, I got a lot of respect for the guy, but he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Nobody knows what they’re doing. What an incredible mess! We’ve never been in a mess like this but thank God, at least he’s trying stuff. And a couple of weeks ago, the G.M. C.E.O., Rick Wagoner — adios, he’s gone; fired him. And I don’t know. Sometimes you think is Obama going power crazy? For example, today, he fired the C.E.O. of Hot Wheels. What good will that do? Honestly.” – David Letterman

“But this is a fascinating story. This C.E.O. at General Motors, largest corporation in the world, most powerful corporation in the world and they said, ‘Okay, you know, we’ll do business with you guys, but you, take a hike.’ But they gave him $20 million to step down. And I’m thinking well, we should have tried that on Bush.” – David Letterman

“How’s this for hypocrisy? While Congress has been chastising companies for giving out bonuses, last year, members of Congress gave out over $9 million in bonuses, paid for by the taxpayer, to their staff. But Congress is saying they’re not hypocrites because this extra money they give their staff really isn’t bonus money. It’s hush money. They just call it bonus money for legal reasons.” – Jay Leno

“And months after Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was convicted for taking illegal gifts and lost his re-election, the Justice Department now wants all charges dropped. Apparently, there was such misconduct by the prosecution that he’s going to be a free man and he gets to keep all the gifts. When he heard that, Rod Blagojevich announced he is moving to Alaska.” – Jay Leno

“And the U.S. government has launched a Web site to help people deal emotionally with this economic crisis. The site is for people who experience depression, crying, and anxiety. In fact, the first person to log on the Web site was Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner.” – Jay Leno

“I tell you, the economy’s in rough shape. It’s terrible. In fact, you know Snap, Crackle, and Pop? Well, they were arrested today for selling smack, crack, and pot.” – Jay Leno

“And according to MSNBC, experts say insomnia can double your risk of suicide. Well, that’ll help you fall asleep.” – Jay Leno

“The ‘Guiding Light,’ a soap opera that has been on television and radio for a combination of 72 years, has been cancelled. This is bad news for Mitt Romney, because for years, he played millionaire Carter St. James.” – David Letterman

“Hey, you know that new X-Men movie, ‘Wolverine,’ that’s coming out this summer? The F.B.I. is investigating it. There’s an HD version that was leaked online. As soon as the F.B.I. solves the case, they’ll get back to looking for bin Laden.” – Jimmy Fallon