“The mayor of New York City, Mayor Bloomberg, is going to outlaw cab drivers talking on cell phones. And are you like me? Do you hate it when you are in a taxicab and the driver is twittering the Taliban? Awful.” – David Letterman
“Here’s something that caught my attention as I was leafing through the paper this morning. NBC is making a reality show starring former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. This is the same network that didn’t want me.” – David Letterman
Tea Parties
“A lot of protests today. Thousands of people had these tea parties, during which they protested higher taxes. But here in LA, it was called the Green Herbal Double Decaf Tea Party.” – Jay Leno
“Some Americans did a very dumb thing today. They had tea party protests. They’ve been mailing tea bags to Congress to I guess express their dissatisfaction with taxes and government spending because nothing shakes a politician up like a complimentary bag of tea. ‘Hey if you don’t straighten up next year, crumpets, buddy.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This is like the Boston tea party for people that decided, let’s say, I don’t know, two and a half months ago, that they didn’t want to pay taxes anymore. The tea part is just a metaphor [on screen: a Fox News reporter pointing to boxes at one of the tea parties containing a million tea bags]. Let me get this straight. To protest wasteful spending, you bought a million tea bags. Are you protesting taxes or irony?” – Jon Stewart
Taxes
“According to MSNBC, there’s a big problem with identity theft affecting electronic tax filing. People are stealing other people’s identities, filing taxes in their name, and then getting their refund check. Today, half the Obama administration said, ‘That’s what happened to us!'” – Jay Leno
“Well, hey, it’s tax day today. It’s tax day. It’s Wednesday, April 15th. But if you don’t get yours down in time, don’t worry about it. The good news is, you may be on your way to an Obama cabinet position. So that’s good. Congratulations. Good luck.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley — all dependents.” – Jay Leno
Obama
“I heard this coming out here a few minutes ago. Apparently, Rush Limbaugh’s dog said it hopes that Obama’s dog fails.” – David Letterman
“But the good news is we have a new White House dog, a Portuguese water dog named Bo. So welcome to the White House, Bo. Actually, Bo has only been there a couple of days, but he is already very busy. Earlier today, Bo hosted a luncheon for former White House dogs.” – David Letterman
“And you know they have Bo wearing one of those electronic collars. If he strays beyond the perimeter of the White House grounds he gets a little buzz. That’s to make sure he doesn’t — no, wait a minute, that’s Joe Biden.” – David Letterman
“President Obama has lifted the travel ban to Cuba. If you do travel to Cuba, don’t forget to set your watch back 50 years. Yeah, if you go back. If you’re looking for a ’58 Buick, that’s the place to get it.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama is going to Mexico tomorrow. He visited Canada a couple weeks ago, then he went throughout Europe, then he went to Iraq, and tomorrow he’s going to Mexico. See, this is what happens when your mother-in-law moves in with you. ‘Honey, I’m going to be out on the road a couple weeks.'” – Jay Leno
The Economy
“And, according to the U.S. Labor Department, because of the recession, the number of unemployed lawyers in this country has hit a ten-year high. So, see, there is a silver lining in all of this.” – Jay Leno
“You know what you call a bunch of lawyers sitting around out of work doing nothing? Congress!” – Jay Leno
“In Arlington, Virginia, the Environmental Protection Agency is holding something called the National Bed Bug Summit. Health officials are going to offer advice on how to combat the growing problem of bed bugs. And it’s being held in Arlington’s Crystal City Sheraton Hotel. See, that’s when you know the economy is bad, okay? When a Sheraton hotel is thrilled to be hosting the bed bug summit. ‘Hey, be sure to come back in June for the big head lice symposium.'” – Jay Leno
“Newsweek magazine reports that the reason there are so many of these pirate hijackings is that the shipping companies have decided it’s cheaper just to pay a ransom than to change the shipping route to sail out of the pirates’ way. So even though these are evil crooks, we give them the money anyway. It’s the same way the bank bailout works.” – Jay Leno
