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Late Night Political Humor

Maine became the fifth state to legalize gay marriage and the first gay couple to get married? I was surprised: L.L. Bean and the old Pepperidge Farm guy.” – Jay Leno

“Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada.” – Craig Ferguson

“Another state legalized same-sex marriage this week. Yesterday the governor of Maine signed a bill legalizing it, and you know what that means? Gay lobsters.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told a group of fourth graders that the Bush Administration never used torture to interrogate terrorist suspects. Condoleezza spoke to the fourth graders using simple, uncomplicated words that they could easily understand. Same way she explained it to President Bush. Almost verbatim.” – Jay Leno

“Man, it was hot today. I was sweating like John Edwards waiting to watch his wife on ‘Oprah.'” – Jay Leno

“Well, tomorrow, John Edwards’ wife, Elizabeth Edwards, a great woman, is going to be on ‘Oprah.’ How many of you are going to watch that? How many of would you rather see her beat the crap out of her husband on ‘Jerry Springer?'” – Jay Leno

“John Edwards did not come off good in this thing. In fact, I understand he’s now looking for a third America to hide out in.” – Jay Leno

“Ooh, the big story, earlier today — I can’t wait to see the ratings on this — Elizabeth Edwards was discussing her marriage on ‘Oprah.’ And this weekend, John Edwards will discuss his marriage on ‘Cheaters.'” – Jay Leno

“There were signs that John Edwards was not the most faithful guy in the world, you know. Like, Elizabeth told Oprah that she asked John for one gift before their wedding, to be faithful. But after Elizabeth made this request, John stopped looking in the mirror and said, ‘Huh? I’m sorry. Did you say something?'” – Jay Leno

“Actually, The New York Daily News is reporting that John Edwards’ mistress is mad about all this publicity, and she is now demanding a paternity test. Well, good luck getting John Edwards to give up a strand of hair. Never happen.” – Jay Leno

“And as if he doesn’t have enough problems already, John Edwards is now being investigated on whether or not he used campaign funds to pay his mistress hush money. Here’s my question. Why can’t we find hush money to keep Joe Biden quiet? Where is that hush money?” – Jay Leno

“President Obama announced today plans to either trim or eliminate 121 programs. The programs he wants to eliminate — Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly.” – Jay Leno

“General Motors has reported a $6 billion loss. But once they get through bankruptcy they hope to go back making cars that nobody wants. So that will be nice.” – David Letterman

“Six billion dollar loss. You know what that means? Somebody is in line for a pretty good looking bonus.” – David Letterman

“Here is something that’s causing a huge controversy here in California. Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, says it’s time to start the debate on legalizing marijuana. Yeah. He says he ‘wants some pot in every pot.'” – Jay Leno

“Of course, people in Los Angeles are split on this. Half want it legalized, the other half think it’s already legal.” – Jay Leno

“Actually, the University of California says they may start a marijuana research center. Really? I thought the University of California was a marijuana research center.” – Jay Leno

“And a Georgia man is recovering in Pittsburgh after becoming the first U.S. recipient of a double hand transplant. Got two hands transplanted from another guy. He used them for the first time today to grab his heart when he saw the bill.” – Jay Leno

“Everybody is excited about the economy getting better and you kind of feel it everywhere you go. People have a smile on their face and a spring in their step. Here’s how you know the economy is actually starting to turn around a little bit. I saw Donald trump earlier today, and that thing on his head was wagging.” – David Letterman