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Late Night Torture Humor

“Does this name ring a bell — evil Dick Cheney? He’s in New York City. He’s on another one of his stops on his ‘Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You Tour.’ And he is in New York City. And he has one of those crazy, embarrassing New York City moments. He’s driving in a cab. And it turns out the cabdriver is somebody Cheney had waterboarded. It was crazy.” – David Letterman

“I’m speechless, which is more than I can say for Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney will not shut the f*ck up. He’s all over. He’s on Fox News, he’s on ‘Face the Nation,’ he’s on every radio show. Today, he was on ‘Oprah’ complaining John Edwards cheated on him. He’s everywhere. Remember the good ol’ days when the guy who got tortured did the talking?” – Bill Maher

“And a New York City auction house is having something unusual. It’s selling a large variety of torture devices dating from the 16th century. A bunch of torture devices. Said the whole thing looks like a Dick Cheney garage sale.” – Jay Leno

“To raise money for California, Governor Schwarzenegger says he’s willing to sell some of the state’s aging landmarks, like San Quentin Prison. So far, the only bid has come from Dick Cheney. Apparently, he wants to use it as a vacation home in the summer. ‘I can just relax in the atmosphere.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Oh, and speaking of torture, I love this. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi now says the CIA and President Bush misled her on waterboarding. Yeah. Apparently she was misled by the Bush Administration. So she spends eight years telling everybody how dumb President Bush is, and the minute they’re in trouble, ‘He fooled me! I had no idea! He tricked me!'” – Jay Leno

“Torture. That is the story that just will not go away in this country, and now with Nancy Pelosi in the middle of it. Yes, Republicans keep changing their story on torture. First it was, ‘We didn’t torture.’ Then it was, ‘Okay we tortured, but it worked.’ And now it’s, ‘Nancy Pelosi said we could! She said it was okay!'” – Bill Maher

“This is a big controversy, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said the CIA lied to her in 2003. Yeah, apparently, they sent her a document saying that her makeup looked subtle. They lied to her.” – Jimmy Fallon

“They say Nancy Pelosi was aware, as far back as 2003 that we tortured and didn’t raise any questions about it. Which raises the big question: what did Nancy Pelosi know, and when was she going to tell her face?” – Bill Maher

“Newt Gingrich yesterday was all over TV. He called Nancy Pelosi a ‘trivial politician.’ Pretty strong words from a guy who goes on CNN just to swipe food from the green room. A ‘trivial politician,’ as opposed to Newt himself, who is a very serious, unemployed fat guy who runs a think tank out of his basement.” – Bill Maher

“At the White House the other night, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a night of poetry and music featuring musicians, authors and poets, to which President Bush said, ‘Now, that’s torture.'” – Jay Leno

“In a reversal of his position, President Obama this week said he now opposes the release of photographs showing terror suspects being abused in Afghanistan and Iraq. Meaning we’ll just have to wait for Dick Cheney’s Christmas card.” – Amy Poehler

“Barack Obama said that his Administration will not release the photographs of detainee abuse. Not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t get the password for Dick Cheney’s camera phone.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Well, in a sudden reversal, President Obama now is fighting the release of dozens of new photos showing U.S. personnel allegedly abusing prisoners. The matter has not been decided yet. I understand the photos are now under review from Donald Trump. He’s reviewing them to see if they’re tasteful enough.” – Jay Leno