“The first detainee from Guantanamo Bay arrived in New York City for trial. You know what that means? He’ll be back on the street tomorrow.” – David Letterman

“It’s crazy the way things work. They bring the guy — he’s locked up down there for four years in Guantanamo Bay — they bring him to New York City for trial. But he’s everywhere. Tomorrow, Barnes and Noble. This guy will be at Barnes and Noble, signing copies of his new book, ‘Too Fat to Jihad.'” – David Letterman

“Hey, yesterday, Hezbollah was defeated in the Lebanese elections. That’s right. Hezbollah was defeated… so now they have no choice but to merge with Fiat.” – David Letterman

“In Iran, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in a tight race. This guy is everywhere trying to drum up support. On Sunday, he was on the Iranian talk show, ‘Eliminate the Press.'” – David Letterman

“If you think about it, we’re losing short, tiny dictators. If Mahmoud Ahmadinejad loses, he’s gone. And then you got Kim Jong-Il. He’s gone. So then the only dictator left, tiny dictator left, will be Mayor Bloomberg.” – David Letterman

“A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that? Still, neither has used the phrase ‘Oh God, oh God,’ more than President Clinton.” – Conan O’Brien

“Earlier today, President Obama spoke at a town hall meeting in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Yeah. Yeah, half of the Wisconsin crowd had never seen an African-American, and the other half had never seen a skinny person.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is proposing a new national healthcare plan that’s both inexpensive and accessible. He’s calling it Have Your Surgery In Mexico.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Scientists are now saying that children under the age of two should not watch television. Apparently, it delays language development. But I say, keep watching, kids. Keep watching.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A pastor in Kentucky is asking parishioners to bring their guns to church to help celebrate the Fourth of July and the Second Amendment. The church loves the idea. Donations have gone up 500% since they started passing the collection plate at gunpoint.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Al Gore is back in the news today because President Obama is saying he might send him to North Korea to negotiate with Kim Jong-Il. I’m thinking if you’re going to send a vice president to negotiate with a madman, why don’t you send Joe Biden? At least Biden speaks the language of crazy. He understands the ways of the bonkers.” – Craig Ferguson

“I can’t remember if Al Gore has a beard right now or not, because if so, that’s good. It’s like Robin Williams, it’s the same rule. Robin Williams, beard in the movie, it’s a good movie. No beard, bad movie.” – Craig Ferguson

“He’s been acting up a lot lately, Kim Jong-Il. Yesterday he sentenced two American journalists to a labor camp. And a couple of weeks ago, he tested another nuclear weapon. I think he thinks he’s a Bond villain. The next thing you know, he’ll be living in a hollowed-out volcano with an army of robot skeletons and he’ll be stroking a large cat.” – Craig Ferguson

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