“There was a surprising announcement over the weekend. Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin is leaving office. She’s stepping down. Something I said?” – David Letterman
“Of course, the very big news, you can’t avoid it, Sarah Palin’s quitting as governor of Alaska. Everybody is shocked. Palin hasn’t made a decision this controversial since deciding whether to wear her hair up or down.” – Craig Ferguson
“But a lot of public figures do this. And I’ve tried to do it. Doesn’t work. You blame the media. When you have trouble, you blame the media. And today, as a matter of fact, she was up in a helicopter, shooting Wolf Blitzer.” – David Letterman
“Over the weekend, Sarah Palin shocked the country by resigning as governor of Alaska. Out of nowhere. It’s crazy. She resigned. Yeah, Republicans aren’t sure who is going to fill her role in the party. But they are in talks with several of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.” – Conan O’Brien
“But I was talking to a lady here in the audience who’s from Alaska. And we were wondering about this. How does a thing like this work? Because she steps down and no longer the governor of Alaska. And we figured it out, the title now is Miss Congeniality steps up — I think — is now the governor of Alaska. I think so.” – David Letterman
“Don’t worry about the state of Alaska. They’ll be fine. According to the state constitution, the job automatically goes to the lieutenant governor, Chilly Willy.” – Craig Ferguson
“In her resignation speech, Sarah Palin said she polled her children on whether she should resign and the count was unanimous. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, even her children thought she was in over her head.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama is in Russia. And we know this because Sarah Palin says she can see him from her house.” – David Letterman
“President Obama right now is in Russia. Yeah, Obama went there because from Russia, you can actually see Sarah Palin cleaning out her office in Alaska.” – Conan O’Brien
“But he’s over there. He’s talking about getting some major concessions from the Russians. And Russia has agreed — now, this is surprising — they agreed now to produce fewer nuclear warheads and more hot tennis babes.” – David Letterman
“Well, ladies and gentlemen, here’s something very exciting. President Obama is in Russia, although he told his staff he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail.” – David Letterman
“It’s been reported that Governor Sanford’s mistress was a reporter for an Argentinean news channel. Did you know that? That’s true. Yeah, this makes Sanford just the latest Republican to claim he got screwed by the media.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mark Sanford described his girlfriend as his ‘soulmate.’ And I thought, well, if there is one thing that beautiful women love, it’s a fiscal conservative, am I right?” – David Letterman
“South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford returned to work today after spending a holiday weekend in Florida with his wife and children. Yeah. Or as Sanford called the weekend, ‘a total waste of time.'” – Conan O’Brien
“But Governor Mark Sanford didn’t really enjoy this year’s Fourth of July. He left his favorite firecracker in Argentina.” – David Letterman
“Speaking of political sex scandals, there’s a rumor that former presidential candidate John Edwards made a sex tape with his mistress. It’s true. Yeah, sources say the tape starts off with 45 minutes of John Edwards running his fingers through his own hair.” – Conan O’Brien
“How about that North Korea? Over the weekend, launched seven missiles, and Joe Biden, the Vice President, says that they’re just trying to get attention. Well, that should calm things down.” – David Letterman
“Everybody have a nice, happy Fourth of July? We took Mom to see the fireworks. I thought it was going to be a lot of fun. Every time, a big one goes off, my mom screams, ‘It’s North Korea! It’s North Korea! Run!'” – David Letterman
