“The Obama family is taking a vacation up there in Martha’s Vineyard, it is a good time for the president to take a vacation, I think. I mean, everything is fixed, right? Why not knock off? And they are talking about Obama may play a round of golf with Tiger Woods. That is a little different than President Clinton on vacation, he just liked to play around.” – David Letterman

“Publishers are saying that every time President Obama is seen reading a book on his vacation, sales of that book skyrocket, go through the roof. It’s incredible. Yeah. And historians are saying we experienced this before when President Bush was photographed reading ‘Everybody Poops.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Health care debate, of course, still rages. John McCain in the middle of the debate now. Earlier this week, in a television interview, John McCain said he has never experienced anything like the current debate on health care. Then McCain turned to the camera and said, ‘I’ve also never experienced anything like the rich, bold flavor of lemon zest Metamucil.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Celebrity birthdays, happy birthday John McCain, 73 years old tomorrow. And if you are looking for a gift, you can’t go wrong with something from the Very Old Navy.” – David Letterman

“McCain has had a tremendous career, ran for president, Sarah Palin was his running mate for vice president, and now, and now I don’t know, he is at Applebee’s blowing on his soup.” – David Letterman

“California is trying very hard to get out of debt. I can’t believe this. The government of California is holding a garage sale to raise money for the state. A garage sale, ladies and gentlemen. Now, folks, even if you don’t really need anything, this may be your only chance to haggle with Governor Schwarzenegger over a $2 spatula.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today and tomorrow, the state of California is having a big garage sale up in Sacramento. Which is probably not a good sign for the economy, when the largest state in the union is holding a garage sale to pay its debts. Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, actually signed a lot of the items for sale, I guess to raise their value.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You know, a garage sale is fine, but we owe $30 billion. If we really want to make money, forget the garage sale, take some of that confiscated pot and have a bake sale.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Ladies and gentlemen, I didn’t even realize this until this morning, Sunday will be the 16th anniversary of Paul and myself doing the show here at CBS. Sixteen. And that is assuming I make it past tomorrow’s death panel interview.” – David Letterman

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