“A big show last night, right here on CBS. The annual Emmy Awards television broadcast. What a show that was. My God, I thought we outlawed torture!” – David Letterman

“I’m happy to say that once again, ‘The Late Show,’ we were nominated this year, in an unusual category. We were right between Governor Sanford’s meltdown and the ‘You lie!’ guy.” – David Letterman

“Have you noticed people are rude now? I mean, that guy just screaming out like that. Listen to this. This is how rude people are in Arizona. People keep ringing John McCain’s doorbell and then running away.” – David Letterman

“By the way, the Emmys was the only Sunday television program that President Obama was not on yesterday.” – David Letterman

“Big news this weekend. President Obama was everywhere. He became the first president to appear on five Sunday morning talk shows. Five talk shows in one day. Even Heidi and Spencer were like, ‘Tone it down!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama was on a record five Sunday TV shows yesterday. Five. I don’t want to say he’s on too much, but today, Kate Gosselin said, ‘He’s overexposed. He needs to pull back.'” – Jay Leno

“Five, that’s a record. Though, he still hasn’t topped Bush’s record of watching 10 straight Saturday morning cartoons.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is on our program tonight. I’m in a great mood because the President is here tonight. I underwent three hours of frisking. Whooo!” – David Letterman

“Don’t kid yourselves, ladies and gentlemen. It’s seamless but security here tonight at the Ed Sullivan Theater is very tight. They even checked under my hairpiece.” – David Letterman

“Security is tighter than Joan Rivers’ face.” – David Letterman

“But, and I think this is a relief to all of us, the building has been cleared now of all Republican congressmen.” – David Letterman

“You know, when you have a big show like this, everybody gets kind of excited about it. And I was talking to my mom today. I said, ‘You know, President Obama is on the show tonight.’ And she said, ‘Well, maybe I’ll switch from Conan.'” – David Letterman

“Great to see President Obama again. Haven’t seen him since he invited me and Sarah Palin to the White House for a beer.” – David Letterman

“The President is here. He’s speaking to the U.N. And also, the President is in town to pardon Ernie Anastos.” – David Letterman

“We were never able to get President Bush on the show when he was president. President Bush was always too busy not working so he couldn’t come through here.'” – David Letterman

“Speaking of President Bush, did you see him last night at the big football game? It was the Giants and Cowboys down there in Texas. And President Bush did the coin toss at the start of the game. Now here’s a bit of trivia. The coin that they used to start the game was the same coin that the Supreme Court tossed that won Bush the election.” – David Letterman

“At last night’s Dallas Cowboys game, President Bush was spotted sitting next to John Madden. Well, actually, a lot of people were spotted sitting next to John Madden. Large man.” – Conan O’Brien

“Speaking of former President Bush, according to a new book that’s coming out, former President Bush secretly supports gay marriage. Bush said, ‘If Bert and Ernie can make it work, anyone can.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Now, there’s a new book coming out about former President Clinton. And it claims that when Boris Yeltsin was visiting, Yeltsin got drunk and was found wandering Pennsylvania Avenue in his underwear looking for pizza. The book also claims that when Clinton wanders around in his underwear, he’s not looking for pizza.” – Conan O’Brien

“Jennifer Garner is here tonight. She has a new movie out called ‘The Invention of Lying.’ I think it’s the John Edwards story, if I’m not mistaken.” – Jay Leno

“Well, more problems for Democratic sleazeball John Edwards. The campaign official who claimed he fathered the child of Edwards’ mistress is now writing a book where he says Edwards is the real father. And to make matters worse, it turns out Acorn already registered the baby to vote.” – Jay Leno

“Well, let’s see, the big international story is Iranian President Mahmoud I’m-a-nut-job — Am I saying that right? Ahmadinejad? I’m sorry — is coming to New York City this week. And listen to this, after he arrives, he’s driving his own cab in from the airport.” – Jay Leno

“Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is coming to New York to address the United Nations, but many restaurants say they won’t serve him. You can tell which ones because their signs read, ‘No shirt, no shoes, no Holocaust, no service.'” – Conan O’Brien

“According to Newsweek, the word in Washington is that Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is going to step down next year, which means there’s going to be another opening on the Supreme Court. And you know who Obama is going to pick as the new judge? Have you heard? Ellen DeGeneres.” – Jay Leno

“According to a new study just released, famed Viennese composer Mozart died in 1791 from the strep throat. Really? It took 218 years to reach this diagnosis, huh? You think our health care sucks? Hey, the good news, I just hope this gives the Mozart family some closure.” – Jay Leno

“And doctors are still arguing over whether being fat should be classified as a medical disease. You know, I think it should be. It should be. Because this time, or the next time rather, your wife says, ‘Do these jeans make me look fat?’ you can go, ‘Honey, I am not a doctor.'” – Jay Leno

“And in my home state of Massachusetts, state Republicans are upset over a new tax hike on dogs. It was slipped into a bill by Democrats at the last minute. Democrats claim, though, they’re only going to be taxing dogs that make over $250,000 a year.” – Jay Leno

“Some unfortunate news about California. A new study shows that California has the dirtiest tap water in the country. California officials insist that the dirty water is fine as long as you chew it thoroughly.” – Conan O’Brien

“A woman from Alabama won a dinner with Sarah Palin on eBay. It cost $63,000. Palin says she’ll take the woman out to a restaurant of her choice and leave after the appetizers.” – Jimmy Fallon

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