“People in Alaska are looking forward to Sarah Palin’s memoir. They’re already calling it ‘The Book to Nowhere.'” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin just finished writing her memoirs. And her publisher says — this is a quote — ‘It’s her words, her life and it’s all there in full and fascinating detail.’ Yeah, then he said, ‘Or so I’m told. I wouldn’t read this thing if you put a gun in my mouth.'” – Conan O’Brien

“But if you’re interested, Sarah Palin will be at Barnes & Noble later this fall for a book shooting.” – David Letterman

“But the book has got a lot of beautiful color photos that Sarah has taken from her front porch — beautiful pictures of Russia that she took from her front porch.” – David Letterman

“In the back — this is helpful — a complete index of all my apologies.” – David Letterman

“President Obama and Oprah Winfrey are going to Copenhagen together this week to push for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. The bad news is while they’re gone the country’s going to be run by Joe Biden and Jerry Springer.” – Conan O’Brien

“Well, if you saw ’60 Minutes,’ you probably saw this. President Obama coming under fire, because he has only spoken to the U.S. commander in Afghanistan once in the last six months. Well, whose fault is that? Hey, if the general wants to talk to President Obama, get a talk show. That’s how you do it.” – Jay Leno

“Well, actually, to be fair, I thought this was nice, President Obama said he’s been very busy lately, but he would be willing to add the general as a Facebook friend.” – Jay Leno

“I’ve got a really strange story in the news about Al Qaeda. According to intelligence reports – I’m not making this up – the new standard procedure for Al Qaeda hiding explosives inside their rectum. Either that or they’re playing a cruel practical joke on Ahmed. ‘Are you sure everyone’s doing this?’ ‘Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Officials have learned that some Al Qaeda suicide bombers, in an effort to avoid detection are hiding explosives inside their buttocks. Well, this whole thing started because somebody tried to assassinate a Saudi prince last month by detonating an explosive device they had hidden in their rectum. This is real. Luckily, the only person killed was the suicide bomber. But he really had the bomb hidden in his rectum. Here’s my question. At what point in the planning of these attacks do they tell the suicide bomber? I mean you got these guys. ‘OK, boss, I’m ready to be a martyr. I’m ready to die for my cause. Where’s my dynamite vest?’ ‘Listen, Khalid, we’ve made some changes.'” – Jay Leno

“The big news was the Senate yesterday – the finance committee – rejected the Democrats’ health-care plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own health-care plan. It’s called, ‘Stop Crying and Take an Advil.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“If that doesn’t pass, they’re going to go with, ‘Swine Flu Fever, Catch It.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Well, a new book is coming out — oh, boy, this is unbelievable — by John Edwards’ campaign official, a guy named Andrew Young. I guess they were quite close friends. Young now says there is sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. Well, of course, people are stunned by this. John Edwards letting someone else get in front of the camera? I don’t think so.” – Jay Leno

“You know, I think it is true, because at one point on the tape, at the height of passion, you can hear John Edwards screaming out his own name.” – Jay Leno

“Senator Chris Dodd, who is head of the Senate Banking Committee, is pushing for one super-regulator to oversee all the banks. He said his goal to restore more confidence in the banking system. You know what would restore more confidence in the banking system? If Chris Dodd wasn’t head of the Senate Banking Committee.” – Jay Leno

“Nancy Pelosi attended the U2 concert last night in Washington, D.C., as Bono’s personal guest. She had a great time. The whole night she was on the verge of making an expression.” – Jimmy Fallon

“U2 even dedicated a song to her face: ‘Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“She almost shed a tear. But she doesn’t have tear ducts.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Michelle Obama told Prevention magazine that at 45 she wants to be in the best shape of her life. Meanwhile, Joe Biden told the magazine that he wants to be in the shape of a unicorn.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Democrats couldn’t get laid in a house (where people’s) sole purpose is to have consequence and disease-free sex with legislators on finance committees.” – Jon Stewart

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