“You know, President Obama went to Denmark to try and get the Olympics for Chicago. They turned him down. He was so upset that they wouldn’t give us the Olympics that he had to invite himself to the White House for a beer.” – David Letterman

“Well, congratulations to President Obama and first lady Michelle. They celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary this week. Well, at first, they couldn’t agree where they should celebrate. He wanted to go to Chicago, she voted for Rio.” – Jay Leno

“I think Obama is starting to get a little desperate. After losing the Olympics last week, he scaled back a little bit. Like, today, he was in New York, making the case for Chicago-style pizza.” – Jay Leno

“This weekend, President Obama is going to speak to the nation’s largest gay rights group. And members of the group are upset that he hasn’t kept his campaign promises to them. However, the gay rights group says all will be forgiven if Obama makes his speech shirtless.” – Conan O’Brien

“Well, in response to criticism that he’s not fulfilling a campaign promise, the President’s national security adviser said President Obama will overturn the military’s ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy at the right time. When asked what the right time would be, he said, ‘Don’t ask, I’m not telling.'” – Jay Leno

“President Obama gave a talk to members of the House and Senate today about options for the war in Afghanistan. The title of the speech was, ‘Any Ideas? Because I Got Nothing.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Catholic churches throughout New York City are no longer offering wine at communion to help prevent the spread of swine flu. I like that it took swine flu for people to realize that sharing a cup with hundreds of other New Yorkers is a health risk.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Well, listen to this. You can’t call the swine flu swine flu anymore. It’s now the H1N1 virus. You know why this is? This is true. The pork lobby in Washington lobbied hard to get the name changed because they didn’t want people to think you could get sick by eating pork. I mean, bacon will still kill you; you just won’t get a runny nose.” – Jay Leno

“The founder of Cirque du Soleil is currently onboard the international space station. And today, he got all of the other nine astronauts to put on red clown noses. Then the astronauts conducted experiments on the loss of dignity in space.” – Conan O’Brien

“Isn’t that NASA fascinating? I think NASA may be my favorite governmental agency because they’re always doing cool stuff. We went to the moon. Remember how cool that was? We now have the International Space Station and the shuttle goes up there regularly. They worked on the Hubble telescope. You know what they want to do now? They’re thinking about firing a missile to moon. I thought, oh, great, another war. Do we need that?” – David Letterman

“The cover of Sarah Palin’s book has been released. And it features a picture of Palin gazing off into the distance deep in thought. The photographer said that capturing that one moment was the rewarding 11 hours of his career.” – Conan O’Brien

“Well, the Post Office told Congress this week they are sorry, but they can no longer continue to deliver Saturday’s mail on Saturday. Hey, I’d be happy to get Wednesday’s mail on Saturday.” – Jay Leno

“Rapper Method Man didn’t pay his taxes for three years. Yesterday, he told a judge he forgot to pay, because he was high. And the remarkable thing is that’s the one excuse the I.R.S. is totally cool with.” – Conan O’Brien

“North Korea’s Kim Jong-Il is now saying that he’ll consider talks with the United States if it can help improve our relationship. I’m starting to feel like we’re the Jon and Kate of countries.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I read about this. Apple is withdrawing from the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, because the chamber is skeptical of global warming theories. Apple said that it was a tough call to make, but still not as tough as making a call on the iPhone.” – Jimmy Fallon

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