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Late Night Political Humor

“You know who was on Oprah the other day was Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska. The high point was when the Governor shot a cigarette out of Oprah’s mouth.” – David Letterman

“She said she was super excited to meet Oprah and also to hug a black person for the very first time.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Hey, did you see guys see ‘Oprah’ yesterday. Sarah Palin was on it. Sarah Palin said that running for president in 2012 is not on her radar screen right now, which was really, really, really upsetting for Democrats.” – Jimmy Fallon

“People see her as a candidate in 2012. Some people have started giving money to her campaign. For instance, she just received a very generous check from Barack Obama to run.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s a great day for America and a great day for one of our loveliest Americans, Sarah Palin. Her long-awaited book, ‘Going Rogue,’ hit bookstores today. Last night, Sarah did a tell-all interview with Barbara Walters. I watched, but I couldn’t understand what either one was saying. ‘Did you cwy when you wost the election?’ ‘You betcha.'” – Craig Ferguson

“Sarah Palin’s new book came out today. Well, she did ‘Oprah’ yesterday. She did ‘GMA’ this morning. Having her out on the road is a nice break if you are a moose in Alaska.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In Sarah Palin’s new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, ‘Thank you, God,’ which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin.” – Conan O’Brien

“Her book is number one on right now. Stephen King actually has the number two book. Very scary new book called ‘Sarah Palin Becomes President.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin admitted she once got a D in a college course. I looked it up. I think the course was called ‘Being Vice President.'” – David Letterman

“Sarah Palin’s book is supposedly full of shocking revelations. Some of it even surprised John McCain. ‘I ran for president?'” – Craig Ferguson

“In her new book, ‘Going Rogue,’ Sarah Palin says she doesn’t like vegetarians. Palin says all vegetarians should go back to Vegetaria, where they came from.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama’s nine-day trip to Asia is in full swing. Presidential trips like this require a ton of planning. The State Department briefs the President, the Air Force clears the airspace, and the Secret Service leaves dog food out for Joe Biden. Then everybody heads out.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama arrived in China yesterday. And to foster the spirit of good will, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama, our president, was in Beijing today for summit meetings and Chinese food. On Saturday, he was in Japan. He met with the Japanese emperor and empress, and in doing so, upset some conservatives because he bowed when he met them. The G.O.P. said that’s sends a bad message to the world, and they’re demanding that next time, Obama sweep the leg.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The State Department says he was just following protocol and showing respect to local customs. It’s the same reason he pulled the Canadian prime minister’s jersey over his head and punched him with the one hand. They like hockey there. It’s what they do.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“One of the people most bothered by Obama’s bow was former Vice President Dick Cheney. He said no American president should bow to anyone. Dick’s been unusually feisty lately. He’s like that when he gets a fresh battery in his pacemaker.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Now, some critics are saying President Obama made a faux pas in greeting the emperor of Japan because Obama did the traditional bow but mixed in a handshake. And to make matters worse, Obama then tried to get out of that with an awkward end of a blind date half hug.” – Conan O’Brien

“But you know, President Bush never bowed to any foreign leaders. He just held hands with them and also he kissed them and then they shared a bunk bed. But that was different. That was for oil.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Anyway, President Obama today met with Chinese leader Hu Jintao. But in China, the first name is actually the surname, so he’s known as President Hu. So of course, every time he meets an English-speaking leader, it’s like the Abbott and Costello routine. ‘Sir, Hu’s here.’ ‘Who’s here to see me?’ ‘That’s what I’m telling you. Hu.’ ‘What are you talking about?'” – Craig Ferguson

“Do you know where President Obama is right now? In China. Today he was over there. They’re touring him around. He got to see where they keep all our money.” – David Letterman

“And experts now say China wants a bigger role in world events. Really? What, being our landlord is not enough now?” – Jay Leno

“Obama met with the Chinese leaders. They complained about the U.S. economy. And why not? Obama complained about leaky takeout cartons.” – David Letterman

“This is a big deal, though. Chinese President Hu Jintao had dinner with President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Experts say that the relations between the two remain icy but that Obama and Jintao get along great.” – Conan O’Brien

“Right now President Obama is meeting with top Chinese officials. The American-Chinese relationship has changed in the past couple of years, because we used to be the world’s only superpower, standing head and shoulders above other nations. We were like Alec Baldwin towering over all the other Baldwins.” –Craig Ferguson

“Now things are different. The financial crisis has knocked us down a few pegs. They’ve got more than a billion people. If we’re going to battle the Chinese for global supremacy, we’re going to need a lot more octomoms.” –Craig Ferguson

“The President of the United States is in China tonight. This is big. The Chinese president entertained President Obama by having a military band play ‘I Just Called To Say I Love You’ and ‘We Are The World.’ What I want to know is how did the Chinese president get hold of my college record collection?” – Conan O’Brien

“Obama and the Chinese president pledged to work together on climate change. Then they drove off in their Hummer motorcades.” – David Letterman

“Well, the President is in China now. And he had 71 cars in his motorcade drive from the airport to Beijing. There’s one car for the President, two for Secret Service and then 68 for Obama’s advisers on the environment.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I mean, it was all the way fine until the 34th car drove through the yellow light and left everyone else behind. It was like, ‘Hey, we don’t know where we’re going! We’re in China, man!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“71 cars. Somewhere in the world, Al Gore shed a single tear.” – Jimmy Fallon

“They didn’t need 71 cars. I mean, trust me. I’ve been to China. They could fit nine guys on a scooter and still have room for a crate of fish. They got it handled over there.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Liz Cheney said on Fox News that her father, former Vice President Dick Cheney, should run for president in 2012. In fact, that’s apparently in the Mayan calendar too, you know. Cheney becomes president, and then the whole world ends. That’s exactly what happens.” – Jay Leno

“Oh, you know what happened on this day in 1973? Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, ‘I am not a crook.’ That’s back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician’s career. See, now it’s just part of the job.” – Jay Leno

“You guys hear this? ‘The Oxford Dictionary’ declared that the 2009 word of the year is ‘unfriend.’ To unfriend means to completely delete somebody you don’t like from your life, or as CNN calls it, ‘Lou Dobbs them.'” – Jimmy Fallon