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Late Night Political Humor

“After three months of will he or won’t he, the president went on all the major networks and NBC to finally reveal what he is going to do about Afghanistan. And for critics who say Americans haven’t sacrificed for these wars, well, they have now. Because last night, the president’s speech actually preempted the annual showing of ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas.’ Good grief, it’s literally a war on Christmas.” – Stephen Colbert

“Everybody’s talking about President Obama’s speech last night. He’s sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Right now, in Scandinavia, the Nobel Committee is really rethinking the whole peace prize.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama last night ordered 30,000 more troops in Afghanistan to fight the Taliban, but on an 18-month timetable. In a related story, the Taliban announced they are on a 19-month timetable.” – Jay Leno

“Last night, Fox commentator Bill O’Reilly said that President Obama’s speech was ‘no Gettysburg address.’ When he heard this, Larry King said: ‘How would you know? I don’t remember seeing you there.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The good news, Obama said he expects to start bringing our troops home in two years. The bad news, Bush said the same thing seven years ago.” – Jay Leno

“Anyway, the good news is the first people Obama sends to Afghanistan are those White House party crashers, so it’s not all bad.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama gave his speech last night at West Point. He was going to give it at the White House, but he wanted some place with better security.” – Jay Leno

“Last night, President Obama gave a speech at West Point. Right in the middle, they cut to a cadet who was sleeping. That cadet was immediately assigned to work security at the next White House state dinner.” – Conan O’Brien

“You know what we should do? Get rid of the Secret Service, bring in some nightclub bouncers.” – Jay Leno

“But this is serious, because that couple who crashed the White House state dinner ended up meeting the president. Did you see that? There’s a photo of them meeting face-to-face with President Obama, which is amazing when you realize that even Fox News had not met face-to-face with President Obama.” – Jay Leno

“And The Washington Post suggested today that this party-crashing couple may have a long history of deceiving people. Well, no wonder they fit in at the White House.” – Jay Leno

“This Tiger Woods thing has had an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier today, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs.” – Jay Leno

“A group has now filed papers to nominate Dick Cheney to run for president of the United States in 2012. You may have heard of the group, Halliburton.” – Jay Leno

“New reports on Sarah Palin’s ‘Going Rogue’ bus tour. They say she’s been traveling on private planes to various stops and then just hops in the bus at the local town. So, let’s see what you got. You have Sarah Palin, who’s no longer governor, who’s promoting a book she didn’t actually write by going on a bus tour which is not really a bus. Her big complaint? Politicians who aren’t real.” – Jay Leno

“I watched Oprah interview Sarah Palin a couple weeks ago. Spent a whole hour talking to her. And I realized, if John McCain had done that, we never would have heard of Sarah Palin.” – Jay Leno

“Time magazine plans to announce its ‘Person of the Year’ next week. And top contenders include President Obama and Steve Jobs. The other top contender? The one guy who still reads Time magazine.” – Conan O’Brien

“This is interesting. A list of this year’s 15 most commonly used words has been released. And it includes H1N1, deficit and health care. Not making the list this year, Chrysler-mania.” – Conan O’Brien