“Do you know what President Obama is doing tomorrow? And this is kind of cool, especially if you’re the president. He’s going to accept his Nobel Peace Prize. And as you know, the Nobel Prize is a predictor of the Academy Awards.” – David Letterman
“I looked this up. In the history of presidents in the United States, only two have won Nobel Prizes while they were in office. The first one, of course, Woodrow Wilson, because he is the man that they credit for ending World War I; second, Theodore Roosevelt, for, what? Yes. He invented the Teddy Bear.” – David Letterman
“Rush Limbaugh says black people are depressed because President Obama isn’t doing a very good job. That proving, once again, that no one has their finger on the pulse of the African-American community like Rush Limbaugh.” – Conan O’Brien
“The president and first lady are getting criticism from the right today. I know, who could have seen this coming? But they’re getting criticism because they sent out the White House holiday card, and it says, ‘Season’s Greetings’ on it, makes no mention of Christmas, and doesn’t have a passage from the Bible in it like the ones the Bushes used to send out. But actually, it does keep one beloved George Bush holiday card tradition alive, and that is the funny sound effect when you open the card. It wouldn’t be Christmas without that.” – Jimmy Kimmell
“[On the “GOP Purity Test] They’re like the Ten Commandments, if one of the tablets said ‘F’ and the other said ‘U.’ I believe this is perfect. A party of white Christian men who call Obama a Nazi, pushing the concept of purity.” – Stephen Colbert
“Well, President Obama’s approval rating has hit a new low — 47 percent according to the latest Gallup poll. But White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said that a ‘6-year-old with a crayon could’ come up with those same poll results. You know, I’ll bet it’s the same 6-year-old with a crayon that came up with the last budget they came out with.” – Jay Leno
“I have to say, not a great day for President Obama. A new poll shows that President Obama has the lowest approval rating of any first-year president in the history of presidents. Things are so bad today the president said the surge in Afghanistan was all Tiger Woods’s idea.” – Craig Ferguson
“A California congressman named Joe Baca has announced he’s no longer pursuing legislation that would have given Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal. He released a statement saying, ‘In light of the fact that Tiger has comported himself in a manner utterly lacking in character, dignity, and ethical integrity, I am withdrawing Tiger Woods from consideration for the Congressional Gold Medal and instead I’m recommending that he run for Congress.'” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Congress was hard at work today trying to come up with a fair playoff system for college football. Congress was working on this. Meanwhile, the NCAA spent the afternoon kicking around ideas for how to win the war in Afghanistan.” – Jimmy Fallon
“They were like, the real issue wasn’t health care, two wars and unemployment, it’s who gets to play in the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Speaking of the budget, in his speech on the economy, President Obama said that we have to ‘continue to spend our way out’ of the recession. Now, I don’t know much about economics, but aren’t we like a trillion dollars in debt? Spending our way out of the recession? Isn’t that like trying to drink your way out of alcoholism? I’m just saying.” – Jay Leno
“The Salahis — now these are the people that crashed the state dinner at the White House for the prime minister of India. It looks like they’re going to be subpoenaed now by the House Homeland Security committee, and I’m thinking why bother? They’d probably show up anyway.” – David Letterman
“And as you know, Santa Claus is working very hard with his elves to make sure every child gets at least one toy this Christmas, or as Glenn Beck calls that, ‘socialism.'” – Jay Leno
“Well, did you hear about this, ladies and gentlemen? I thought this was exciting. Our top commander in Afghanistan, General McChrystal, says that it’s time now to get Osama bin Laden. Why not? All right.” – David Letterman
“According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden has been sneaking into Afghanistan from Pakistan and as a matter of fact, in Afghanistan, he lost $125 million in the casino.” – David Letterman
“You know how I warmed up today? I stayed inside and watched the coverage of the global warming conference.” – Jay Leno
“Well, at the Copenhagen climate summit — where they talk about the environment, you know, saving the environment — the delegates had 1,200 limousines and 140 private jets, or as they call that in Malibu, ‘Earth Day.'” – Jay Leno
“And after a 13-year legal dispute over historical accounting mistakes by the Department of the Interior, the government has agreed to pay more than $3 billion in reparations to American Indians for the way they were treated, to which black people said, ‘Hello? Civil War, hello! Slavery, we’re here, anybody?'” – Jay Leno
