“Hey, last night I watched Oprah’s White House Christmas special. President Obama told Oprah he deserves a ‘solid B-plus’ for his first year in office. That’s a big improvement from our last president, who for the last eight years received a ‘WTF.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“During an interview last night, Oprah Winfrey asked President Obama what grade he would give himself for his first year in office and he said a ‘B-plus.’ Then, Oprah shook her head and said, ‘I didn’t pay for a B-plus.'” – Conan O’Brien
“You know what is great about this country? This time of year especially, you get people like Oprah, who is powerful and an icon and an American treasure and transcends television. She’s a humanitarian. And last night, she had a big Christmas special that she videotaped at the White House. And it was just tremendous. But now, she interviewed the president and already, trouble. Trouble already. I mean, the Republicans are now complaining that President Obama bowed too low to Oprah. It’s just awful.” – David Letterman
“Today at the White House, President Obama met with a group of the nation’s top Wall Street bankers. And you know, these Wall Street bankers, they just don’t get it, you know? Like, they walked into the White House and said to Obama: ‘You live in this dump? What is this, the guest house? Please!'” – Jay Leno
“This should be interesting. President Obama announced that he will hold a meeting at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C., tomorrow to discuss energy saving techniques, although everyone expects the meeting to get a little late start after the Home Depot employee sends him to the wrong aisle. ‘President meeting? That’s in aisle five, I think. It might be aisle six. You know, it’s not my department. I don’t know.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Obamas also said on that Christmas Eve they will leave milk and cookies in the yellow room for Santa. And today, Glenn Beck accused them of trying to bribe a foreign dignitary.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Of course, Santa’s got a good way of sneaking into the White House. He’s just going to go with the two party crashers. ‘Ho, ho, ho! I’m on the list.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Well, in fact — if you saw it on ’60 Minutes’ last night — President Obama said never again will an unexpected guest sneak into the White House, so more bad news for Joe Biden.” – Jay Leno
“Hey, did you hear about those five American Muslims who went to Pakistan and tried to join up and become terrorists with al Qaeda? Well, they got rejected. Al Qaeda rejected them — this is true — because they lacked the proper credentials and references. Isn’t that unbelievable? Do you realize it’s harder to get into al Qaeda than it is to get into the White House? That is wrong. Ridiculous!” – Jay Leno
“Well, did you hear about this? According to TMZ, you know, Congress was supposed to award Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal, our highest civilian honor, then had to withdraw it, because of the scandal, which seems odd to me. I mean, what’s it up to now? Fifteen mistresses? That sounds like something Congress would give you a medal for, doesn’t it?” – Jay Leno
“This is crazy. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face at a rally in Rome yesterday. Berlusconi said he wasn’t hit too hard, or too soft. He described the attack as ‘al dente.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“How about this guy, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi? He is in Milan over the weekend. He’s signing autographs and somebody throws a statuette at the guy and literally breaks his face wide open. Threw a statue at the guy. And I think this hasn’t happened since, well, since I hosted the Academy Awards.” – David Letterman
“Hit him in the face with a statuette and then he backed over a fire hydrant. Yup. And then Gillette dropped him as a sponsor.” – David Letterman
