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Late Night Political Humor

“And listen to this. After one single senator, just one senator — Joe Lieberman of Connecticut — was able to block passage of the Medicare buy-in provision of that health care bill, some people are calling for the Senate to begin experimenting with a whole new way of doing business. Yeah, it’s called majority rules. They’re thinking of trying it to see how it works.” – Jay Leno

“Well, here’s good news, I think. The Democrats down in Washington believe they have 60 votes to pass a health care bill. That’s 58 Democrats and the Salahis. They’re going to go in there and vote.” – David Letterman

“But they don’t think that the health care bill will get passed before Christmas, unless they switch to the Mayan calendar.” –David Letterman

“Anybody going over to Denmark for the world global climate conference thing in Copenhagen? Yeah, I know. I’m going too. Here’s the idea. It’s got to be every country on the planet working together. And the United States is doing its part. And today, as a matter of fact, Barack Obama was talking to the Netherlands. He said, ‘Here’s the deal. You send us a windmill and we’ll send you Joe Lieberman.'” – David Letterman

“During his speech at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C. today, President Obama said he thinks energy efficiency and retrofitting are ‘sexy.’ He had to cut the speech short, however, after Al Gore showed up and tried to give him a lap dance.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Well, according to MSNBC, President Obama’s approval rating has now dipped below 50 percent. To tell you how bad it is, people are now finding ways to sneak out of the White House.” – Jay Leno

“It’s hard to believe there’s only two weeks left in 2009. President Obama is already said to be hard at work on his New Year’s resolutions. His plan for 2010 is to do all the things he said he was going to do this year.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Remember the phrase, ‘hope and change’? They amended it today. Now it’s ‘don’t give up hope, nothing is going to change.'” – Jay Leno

“Oh, and listen to this. It happened yet again last month. A Georgia couple showed up a day early for a tour at the White House — you know, just regular folks. Showed up to tour the White House, somehow wound up in an invitation-only breakfast with President Obama and the First Lady. Isn’t that amazing? The only two people that couldn’t get in the White House this year were John McCain and Sarah Palin.” – Jay Leno

“The Obama Administration announced today that the Shinnecock Indians on Long Island will be federally recognized, which means they can now build a casino in New York City. The White House recognized them as an official tribe after meeting with the four tribal leaders, Fat Tony, Louie the Barber, Crazy Sal, and Momo Ricardo. The Gambino tribe, indigenous people to the area.” – Jay Leno

“According to a New York Times/CBS News poll, 26 percent of unemployed adults blame George W. Bush for the high unemployment rate. The other 74 percent blame the fact that they majored in English literature.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hey, this is interesting. After somebody threw a tomato at Sarah Palin during a book signing at the Mall of America, she went to another signing at a Costco in Utah, where they took all the tomatoes off the shelves. So instead she got hit by a three pound bag of frozen spinach ravioli.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Well, on the news today, people are complaining that we can’t find Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan. Bin Laden in Afghanistan? We can’t even find Tiger Woods in Florida.” – Jay Leno

“Senior New York Senator Chuck Schumer was on an airplane, and they were flying someplace. And they landed. He called one of the flight attendants a ‘bitch.’ Apparently, there was some ugliness. There were words exchanged. And it got heated and at one point the argument was so loud, it actually woke up the pilot.” – David Letterman

“I don’t know what to make out of this. NASA is in the process of trying to convert human waste into fuel. Man, talk about pressure to go on command, right? ‘Come on, Barry, just pee. We got to get back to Earth, man.’ ‘I can’t do it. Everyone is staring at me, man. Stop looking at me.'” – Jimmy Fallon


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