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Satan responds to Pat Robertson

Dear Pat Robertson,
I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll. You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.
Best, Satan

Ghostwritten by Lily Coyle, in the Minneapolis Star Tribune.

© Mike Luckovich

UPDATE: The Onion weighs in on this.



  1. starluna wrote:

    Nice. I like that.

    Tuesday, January 19, 2010 at 1:20 pm | Permalink
  2. REV wrote:

    God is loving and compassionate. However, God does allow tragic events to happen. And sometimes He even lets some of us in on it before it does. For example, if you look at the twitter account for wonwitness you will see that this person was telling that an earthquake was going to hit North America. On Jan. 7 Wonwitness wrote:
    “What I am hearing: “The Heavens and Earth will proclaim My glory. I Am preparing My staff for a great blow on this continent–North America.”

    I believe the L-rd has spoken to me that a great earthquake will hit North America. I think the great earthquake may hit in the time August/September of this year or 2011. I am unsure of the time. I must spend more time in prayer and listen.

    However, sometimes the L-rd will confirm the word He gives me by allowing a smaller version of the prophecy to be fulfilled first. I would not be surprised if we saw an earthquake in North America sometime soon as a confirmation, or perhaps even two smaller shakes as confirmations. If this is from the L-rd, He will confirm it and it will come to pass.”
    Then an earthquake hit CA and then Haiti.

    Wednesday, January 20, 2010 at 12:55 am | Permalink
  3. Ace Justice wrote:

    …yes, because a geological phenomenon that has happened CONSTANTLY for the last billion years could only be a sign of the Apocalypse. rev, why do i get the sense thats your blog? very subtle.

    I dealt with 4 years of this crap at one of americas craziest fundamentalist colleges and im firmly convinced that pat would have something to say along these lines no matter where the thing had hit. Quake hits london? clearly it was due to englands famous racy advertising. easter island? its for all the idol worship naturally. buckle-of-the-bible-belt tulsa oklahoma? the blame would go squarely on democratic governor brad henry. pats reactionary judgments are worse than offensive: theyre predictable.

    Wednesday, January 20, 2010 at 1:26 am | Permalink