“How about that volcano in Iceland. It’s still erupting, but it’s no longer the biggest environmental disaster. Now, Iceland is teaming up with BP to create this summer’s top catastrophe. A Lorimar production.” – David Letterman
“Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.” – David Letterman
“Well, here’s the latest on the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. The chief U.S. oversight official for offshore drilling has now resigned. Ironically — you know how the news got out? It leaked.” – Jay Leno
“And tar is washing up onto the beaches — big globs of tar. And people are saying, ‘Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?’ No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket.” – David Letterman
“Well, there’s now concern that the oil in the Gulf could go to the Florida Keys and up the East Coast, which could be really dangerous. Scientists say the cast of ‘The Jersey Shore’ can only absorb so much oil. They can’t get any slimier.” – Jay Leno
“The Coast Guard is now saying that 20 of these things called tar balls have been found off the Florida Keys. They’re not sure if the tar balls are from the Gulf Coast spill. Seriously? It’s like finding a giant clock necklace and not being sure it’s from Flavor Flav.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it.” – David Letterman
“The government now wants to train parking lot attendants to watch for terrorists. They believe parking lot attendants can be trained to report anyone who comes in with a car that’s suspicious. The parking lot attendant would turn them in, unless the terrorist was a good tipper. Then, of course, nothing would happen at all, and we’d all be screwed.” – Jay Leno
“Iraq security forces say they have detained an al Qaeda member suspected of planning an attack on the World Cup in South Africa next month. The man has already admitted that terror and destruction was his ultimate gooooaaalllll!” – Jimmy Fallon
“A congressman from my home state of Indiana, Mark Souder, has been forced to resign because he was in a sex scandal. Finally, I’m no longer Indiana’s biggest embarrassment.” – David Letterman
“Well, folks, it’s happened again. My favorite kind of story. An Indiana Republican congressman named Mark Souder — a married man and father of three, big-time — one of these family advocate guys, has resigned after admitting to having an affair with a female staffer. In his resignation statement, he mentions God five times and his wife once. He knows there’s a slight chance that God might forgive him. God might let it slide. Not the wife.” – Jay Leno
“After admitting to an affair with a staffer, Indiana Congressman Mark Souder said he’s leaving office to focus on repairing his marriage and renewing his walk with the Lord. And today, the Lord was like: ‘Why don’t you start without me? Why don’t you just go. I’ll catch up with you on that walk.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Have you heard about this guy, Richard Blumenthal? He’s a Democratic candidate for Senate in Connecticut. It turns out he actually lied about serving in Vietnam. Not good. In fact, today, he says he hasn’t got this much attention since he became the first man to walk on the moon.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Blumenthal lied about serving in Vietnam in several speeches, which I guess explains why his descriptions of the war sounded like Wikipedia entries.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Lakers trounced the Phoenix Suns last night, 128-107. Phoenix was so bad, today the Arizona Legislature voted to deport them.” – Jay Leno
“Attorney General Eric Holder has said he may sue Arizona for their new anti-immigration law. Holder admitted he has not yet read the law. Hey, that didn’t stop Congress from passing the health care reform bill. Nobody read that, either.” – Jay Leno
“You know what happened down in Washington? I guess it was yesterday. There was a swarm of bees down there at the White House. The bees flew in and demanded to see Obama’s birth certificate.” – David Letterman
