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The Whup-Ass Chronicles

[This is another story from Fred Wickham that I’m reposting. See his site for more.]

On January 20th, 2008, a truckload of Whup-Ass was delivered to the White House. The pallets sat unbroken for nearly eighteen months until today, when President Obama had Rahm Emmanuel bring a box into the oval office.

“How do we test this out?” asked the President.

“What about Sasha?” Rahm said.

“What do you mean?”

“Didn’t you say, Mr President, that she was leaving her algebra homework unfinished? And she didn’t have that paper on Guston Borglum done?”

“That Mt Rushmore sculptor?”

“Yeah, and she left that big box of crayolas open. Now they’re all broken.”

Obama picked up a can of Whup-Ass. “Get her for me, will you, Rahm?”

A few minutes later Sasha was ushered into the room. Her father asked her why she’d been slacking off on her duties, and she didn’t have an answer. He pointed the can at his daughter and pressed the top. It blew her hair back and ripped the collar on her blouse, but it didn’t knock her over. Still, the President felt she’d learned her lesson.

Back in her room, Malia asked what happened.

“Oh, father broke out the Whup-Ass. It kind of stung a little bit.”

“Wow, that’s mean.”

“I think he was just testing it.”

“Oh, yeah, Daddy’s got that meeting in the Gulf of Mexico. There he goes now with Rahm. And they’re carrying two boxes of Whup-Ass.”

“I hope it works,” said Sasha.

“Girls, Whup-Ass is a deterrent.” They looked up to see their mother standing behind them. “It is not meant to be used. Go to Wikipedia and type in ‘Mutually Assured Whup-Ass’.”

The girls did this and were happy to discover that America still had 23,952 cans in its stockpile.

Later, they heard their father’s stern words to the BP executives. “I am ordering a victim’s compensation fund. And if I have to, I’ll open a can of Whup-Ass on these oil executives.”

Sasha was relieved. But Malia simply walked over with one of the cans she pilfered from the stockpile. She stuck it under her sister’s nose.

“Yeah, it says ‘Whup-Ass’ all right.”

Malia said, “Look closely.”

“Uh oh, I sure hope it is a deterrent. It’s twelve months past the ‘use-by’ date.”


One Comment

  1. Max Kelley wrote:

    We have just re done our bathroom and are featuring the Tony Hayward bathroom tissue

    We found this online at

    We feel that this is the perfect place to hang his picture.

    We feel that it this will be the perfect way to let him know what we think about him.

    Sunday, June 27, 2010 at 5:10 am | Permalink