“Christine O’Donnell released a commercial in which she says, ‘I’m not a witch.’ That’s pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent’s slogan, ‘I’m not Christine O’Donnell.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Christine O’Donnell is the Senate candidate from Delaware who’s against masturbation and has dabbled in witchcraft. She’s fighting back against the charges she’s a witch with a new ad in which she says, ‘I’m not a witch…I’m you.’ I don’t think this is a good strategy because I’m crazy. I would never vote for me. Besides, it doesn’t make any sense. If she’s me then she masturbates constantly. And if she’s me then that means she can turn herself into other people, which means she’s a witch. Quick, to the dunking tank!” – Craig Ferguson

“Christine O’Donnell has a new campaign ad where she says she’s not a witch. Nancy Pelosi was furious. She said, ‘Hey, that’s my slogan.'” – Jay Leno

“EA Sports released a new version of the video game ‘NBA Jam’ that features Obama, Biden, Bush, and Cheney. Bush and Cheney play the first half, then Obama and Biden try to come back from a 6 billion point deficit.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump may run president. Is that a good idea? Haven’t enough Americans already been told, ‘You’re fired’?” – Jay Leno

“Well, at least there would be someone in politics with worse hair than Joe Biden.” – Jay Leno

“Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, is criticizing President Obama for not properly training his dog, Bo. Apparently, Bo still doesn’t respond to simple commands such as ‘sit,’ ‘stay,’ and ‘fix the economy.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Osama bin Laden keeps releasing audio tapes to show that he’s still relevant. Really? Audio tapes? How about an iPod download?” – David Letterman

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