“The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin’s word ‘refudiate’ to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to ‘dismangle’ the English language.” – Conan O’Brien

“Over 5 million people tuned in to watch the premiere of Sarah Palin’s new show on TLC. It was such a success, TLC now stands for ‘The Learnifying Channel.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sunday Night was the debut of the reality show ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska.’ It got huge ratings. Even John McCain watched it. In fact, halfway through the program McCain turned to his wife Cindy and said, ‘Who is that woman? She looks familiar.'” – Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin’s new show is a huge hit and producers are saying that no endangered species were harmed — except for the Democrats.” – David Letterman

“Palin says they do a lot of huntin’, a lot of hikin’, and a lot of fishin’. I won’t be watchin’.” –David Letterman

“Bristol Palin again got the lowest score in “Dancing with the Stars” and again she wasn’t eliminated. She’s invincible. She cannot be destroyed. She’s like a no-fun version of Charlie Sheen. Imagine how many votes she would get if she could actually dance.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“They just had the groundbreaking ceremony of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas. It’s easy to get into the building, but then you spend 10 years trying to find an exit strategy.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Dick Cheney attended the ceremony. It’s fitting for Cheney to be at the library. He spent eight years telling Bush to be quiet.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, when speaking about Bush, Dick Cheney said that Americans can tell a decent, good-hearted guy when they see him. Then he was like, ‘Let me know if you do. I need that heart.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“People are concerned that the new airport security scanners could lead to pictures of their genitals ending up on the Internet. Apparently no one has told them that without pictures of genitals, there would be no Internet.” – Conan O’Brien

“You can opt out of the full-body scan and choose the alternative, letting the TSA touch your T&A. It’s just like an 8th grade basement make-out party, except instead of your mother interrupting, she’s getting stroked in the next line.” – Stephen Colbert

“The TSA has changed airport security guidelines. Now you can have an extensive body pat-down or a naked scan. I think I speak for everybody when I say, “Hey, why can’t we have both?” – David Letterman

“It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they’re going through your underwear while you’re wearing it.” – Jay Leno

“Now, to make it worse, the airlines are charging a $15 molestation fee.” – Jay Leno

“The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA’s full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn’t be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That’s what Thanksgiving with your family is for.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is doing an interview with Barbara Walters that will air the day after Thanksgiving. Walters will ask Obama how he plans to stop the fighting in the Middle East, while he’ll ask her how she plans to stop the fighting on ‘The View.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has a children’s book. It’s called, ‘How the Grinch Stole the Midterm Elections.'” – David Letterman

“President Obama has just released a new children’s book. It just came out. Have you seen this? It’s called — right here. ‘Of Thee I Sing’ and of course, the Republicans, you know, they couldn’t wait to release their version of the book, ‘The End I See.'” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is back from his 10-day Asian tour, and I haven’t seen a trip reviewed this badly since the Griswalds went to Vegas.” – Jon Stewart

“The House Ethics Committee has found Rep. Charles Rangel guilty of financial misconduct. It wasn’t easy. They had to go way outside Washington to find anyone that knew anything about ethics.” – Jay Leno

“I don’t think Rangel gets it. Like, today, he said to pay his fine he’s going to have to accept bribes now.” – Jay Leno

“While in Thailand, former President Bill Clinton shot a cameo for the movie ‘The Hangover 2.’ Yeah, that’s true. When asked what he was doing in Thailand, Bill Clinton got very quiet.” – Conan O’Brien

“‘The Unemployed American’ is in the running for ‘Time’ magazine’s ‘Man of the Year.’ That must be discouraging, to be on the cover of ‘Time’ and still no one will hire you.” – Jimmy Fallon

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