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U.S. Orders Diplomats to Stop Telling Truth

[This is fake news, reprinted from Andy Borowitz]

In the first major policy fallout from the WikiLeaks disclosures, the State Department has ordered all U.S. diplomats to “cease and desist telling the truth until further notice.”

“We are working overtime to try to make sure that leaks like these don’t happen again,” Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told reporters. “But until we’ve got the leaks plugged, it’s incumbent on all our diplomats to put on their lying caps.”

Secretary Clinton noted that since many US diplomats are major political donors with long careers in the business world, “this shouldn’t be a reach for them.”

But for those career diplomats who came up through the Foreign Service, the State Department will be holding a series of “truth avoidance seminars,” led by executives of Goldman Sachs.

Additionally, Secretary Clinton said, the State Department would install on all diplomats’ computers new software called CandorShield™, which automatically translates truthful language into a less embarrassing truth-free version.

For example, she explained, the software would translate the phrase “two-faced weasels” into “trusted Pakistani allies” and would delete all references to French President Nicolas Sarkozy as “Monsieur Shorty Pants.”

Elsewhere, Interpol issued this statement about its pursuit of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange: “We will find Julian Assange, and then we will hire him.”

In related news, WikiLeaks attempts to expose Sarah Palin’s thoughts, but finds nothing. On hearing the report, Palin asks “How’s that Wiki-Leaky thing workin out for ya?”



  1. Don wrote:


    Monday, December 6, 2010 at 1:41 pm | Permalink
  2. patriotsgt wrote:

    unfortunately this is almost believable ‘)

    Monday, December 6, 2010 at 1:48 pm | Permalink
  3. Bert wrote:

    Sgt, what prompted you to say almost? 🙂

    Monday, December 6, 2010 at 5:37 pm | Permalink
  4. Fred Wickham wrote:

    I think your readers are perfectly capable of seeing the irony. No need to label it “fake news.”

    Monday, December 6, 2010 at 11:09 pm | Permalink
  5. patriotsgt wrote:

    Stop it, you guys are making me laugh.

    Tuesday, December 7, 2010 at 6:34 am | Permalink
  6. Don wrote:

    That’s good, PSgt. We all need some laughter or all we’d do is sit in a stew of inexplicable conundrums wondering how to conjure up a potion of common sense and decency.

    Tuesday, December 7, 2010 at 11:34 am | Permalink
  7. Jason Ray wrote:

    I thought it was funny because it implies that diplomats used to tell the truth!

    Tuesday, December 7, 2010 at 12:06 pm | Permalink
  8. Iron Knee wrote:

    And here I thought that labeling it “fake news” would make it more believable than regular news (e.g., Fox News). After all, the Daily Show calls itself fake news and it rates far higher on the truthiness scale.

    Tuesday, December 7, 2010 at 4:58 pm | Permalink
  9. Jason Ray wrote:

    The Daily Show is about the best news out there right now. For distilling the craziness of politics there isn’t anything better *grins*

    And this post, labeled fake news, is still more believable than most things on Faux.

    Tuesday, December 7, 2010 at 6:51 pm | Permalink