“It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Yes, we caved.’ It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama has reached a deal with Republicans to extend the Bush tax cuts, in exchange for extending jobless benefits. Republicans in Congress say they’re thrilled with the tax cuts, while Democrats leaving Congress say they’re thrilled with the jobless benefits.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama has agreed to extend the Bush-era tax cuts. Because if there’s anything we need, it’s an extension of the Bush era.” – David Letterman
“The Republicans might be willing to allow homosexual men and women to die for their country, once anyone earning over $500,000 a year is allowed to park in handicapped spaces and be addressed as ‘Guvner’ in an English accent.” – Daily Show correspondent John Oliver
“Julian Assange was arrested by British authorities. Our secrets are safe — as long as no one else figures out how to use the Internet.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was in court today, and when the judge asked for his address he said he didn’t want to give out that information. Well, everyone has a right to privacy.” – Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin shot a reindeer on the last episode of her show. You don’t typically see politicians shooting reindeer to death two weeks before Christmas.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Some teens are getting pregnant on purpose so they can audition for MTV’s show ’16 & Pregnant.’ Also, some adults are running for President on purpose so they can audition for a show on killing moose.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s so cold that the security guys at the airports are putting their hands in their own pants.” – David Letterman
“Because of a printing error nearly a billion $100 bills will have to be destroyed. Hey, if these bills are worthless, don’t destroy them. Use them to pay off the Chinese.” – Jay Leno
“‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ was just on. According to a recent poll, most Americans think Charlie Brown is a Muslim.” – David Letterman
“The annual Christmas Village in Philadelphia has been renamed The Holiday Village. And Santa’s reindeer have now become Non-Denominational Venison.” – Jay Leno
