“Sarah Palin flew down to Haiti to help earthquake victims. Poor Haitians, they can’t get a break. First the earthquake, then the hurricanes, and now Sarah Palin.” – David Letterman
“Palin went camping with Kate Gosselin on her TV show. What a pair. You have a vapid media star desperate for attention — and then there’s Kate Gosselin.” – David Letterman
“Kate Gosselin was on the TLC show, ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska,’ and Palin told Kate that you’re putting your family in danger if you don’t bring a gun with you in the wilderness. Of course there’s always the other option: not taking your kids into the wilderness.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama said our government shows it is serious about setting a good example for children’s health. Then he went outside to smoke a cigarette.” – Craig Ferguson
“Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it’s even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door.” – Conan O’Brien
“Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks, is in jail in Britain and the judge has refused to grant him bail. His attorney says he’s doing fine. I’m sure he is, snitches always do very well in prison.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Some of the WikiLeaks people are said to be leaving to start their own site OpenLeaks. To which WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said, ‘You’d better not steal any of our stuff…’ – Jay Leno
“FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That’s right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, ‘kind of a slow day.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it’s just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.” – Conan O’Brien
“George W. Bush’s daughter, Jenna, is moving to New York City so that she can be closer to her twin sister, Barbara. Meanwhile, their dad plans to visit New York, so that he can be closer to ‘Elf: The Musical.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Anderson Cooper has announced that the title of his new show is just ‘Anderson.’ I think I speak for everyone here at ‘Conan’ when I say, ‘God, what an ego on that guy!'” – Conan O’Brien
