The new Republican congress has unveiled its alternative Health Care Plan. Ersatzomine™, a new, fast-acting placebo from Pfizer. While ObamaCare has resolutley ignored free-market solutions to the nation’s health problems, Pfizer buckled down to the challenge: produce an alternative to government mandated procedures in an attractive pill form.
“For less than $750 a month, a family of four can bypass the bureaucratic U.S. economy-destroying process of hospital visits altogether,” announced Speaker of the House, John Boehner. “I have kept in close touch with the Pfizer team at their Research Center. They have devoted months and months of intense trial and error with various inactive sugars and the result is a drug that will finally meet the exacting terms of the Hippocratic Oath: First, do no harm.”
Pfizer spokesman, Dr Web Temeril says, “the amazing thing about our ‘pretty pink pill’ is that it acts as fast as you think it does. Even, in some cases, as fast as you want it to. We’re certain that seniors, and others who can’t wait forever for results, will take to it like a fly takes to brown sugar.” Questioned about the unusual ‘fly takes to brown sugar’ simile, Dr. Temeril said, “We are presently using ‘like a duck takes to water’ to promote other products and don’t wish to weaken the slogan’s franchise.
Already, illegal drug firms are manufacturing fake Ersatzomine by putting ordinary C&H sugar in gelatin capsules. But FDA Director, Dr. Felix Frueh, cautions, “While cane sugar may be an effective placebo in the short term, it has not had the benefit of rigorous testing in the Pfizer labs.”Thanks to the ready supply of raw sugar Ersatzomine promises to be a shot in the arm for Pfizer shareholders. “But we have to remember,” says Dr. Temeril, “that it’s a turbulent world, and sugar exporting nations are not all friends of the U.S.”
Boehner says no tax money will be spent to promote the plan. Instead, Pfizer will promote it on TV, magazine ads, bus posters, internet ads, radio commercials, and door-hangers using funds procured from the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and their business allies throughout the world.