Political Irony

“Tonight Democrats and Republicans paired up and sat next to each other. Fifty-five years after Rosa Parks we finally integrated Washington.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“For the State of the Union address last night, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The press called it ‘date night.’ How come they go on a date, but we’re the ones who get screwed.” – Jay Leno

“Three Supreme Court justices — Samuel Alito, Antonin Scalia, and Clarence Thomas — did not attend the State of the Union address. Taking their place was Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, and Randy Jackson.” – Conan O’Brien

“Did you hear about the State of the Union address drinking game? You listen to the speech, and every time you think about the actual state of the union, you take a drink. It helps.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama started out his State of the Union address with some happy news. Turns out he’s Oprah’s half brother.” – Jay Leno

“You know what that means? We are out of debt!” – Jay Leno

“Obama made a major announcement tonight. He’s Oprah’s half-brother. That’s why there’s been so much confusion about the birth certificate.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In the State of the Union address tonight, President Obama focused his speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves all of us convincing Oprah we’re her half sister. That’s the plan.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Republican response to the speech was fairly gracious. They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama made his annual State of the Union address tonight from Washington, D.C. It was on all the channels. One of the shows they pre-empted was an hour of “America’s Biggest Loser,” which means all those fat people exercised this week for no reason at all.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Obama’s focus tonight was on the economy. He talked a lot about how he wants to create jobs and then announced a plan to freeze government spending. He’s promising to put people to work without spending any money to do it, which is what happens after you get a visit from the president of China.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Obama wants to freeze government spending for the next five years and then in year six have a huge party and blow all of it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Did everyone see the president’s State of the Union speech? He said that one thing, some people clapped and others scowled … so that’s that.” – Craig Ferguson

“A Washington Post columnist is proposing a ‘Sarah-Palin-Free February,’ a whole month in which she’s not mentioned. This is stupid. Don’t pick February, the shortest month.” – Jay Leno

“A judged ruled yesterday that Rahm Emanuel cannot run to be mayor of Chicago because they didn’t consider him a resident. Today a higher court put a stay on the lower court ruling and ordered that Rahm Emanuel’s name be put on the ballot. Why is it so hard to figure out where somebody lives? You know what we should do? Let Netflix decide. If they send you more than five DVDs to one address, that’s where you live.” – Jay Leno

“On the way to work today I drove by another homeless guy with a great voice looking for a job: Keith Olbermann.” – Jay Leno