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Late Night Political Humor

“Newt Gingrich is running for President. Every 6 months we’d have a different First Lady. Newt’s slogan is, ‘At least I’m not Trump.'” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich announced that he’s running for president on Twitter and Facebook. I think his concession speech will be on YouTube.” – David Letterman

“Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander.” – Conan O’Brien

“I don’t know if you’ve ever tasted Godfather’s Pizza, but if he can keep that place from going bankrupt, he is an economic genius.” – Stephen Colbert (on GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain)

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver might be splitting up. Arnold’s friends say he is doing everything he can to win his wife back. He just burned every single copy of ‘Jingle All the Way.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver may be divorcing. Evidently Arnold was seeing Jane Goodall.” – David Letterman

“After 25 years Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating. She said, ‘I’ll give you 25 years to learn to speak English. If not, we’re done.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Bristol Palin just announced she had corrective surgery on her mouth. It’s being called the right procedure on the wrong Palin.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bristol Palin said she had corrective surgery to fix her jaw, not cosmetic surgery. She must have gone to the same surgeon who corrected Victoria Beckham’s breasts.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Gaddafi hasn’t been seen since April 30. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Nose job.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, ‘What happened to the last guy?'” – Conan O’Brien

“The White House announced that the $50 million reward for Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts won’t be going to anyone. Then China was like, ‘Wanna bet?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Apparently Osama took a lot of Viagra. That’s why they thought he was armed.” – David Letterman

“President Obama’s approval rating has hit 60 percent, its highest in two years. So he can pretty much count on reelection if he can just kill bin Laden two more times in the next 12 months.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama gave a big speech at the US-Mexico border, talking about creating pathways to citizenship. We already have pathways. They’re called tunnels.” – Jay Leno

“A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don’t pat down a baby! You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine.” – Jimmy Fallon


One Comment

  1. Jason wrote:

    The Cain quote is one of the funniest LNPH quotes ever.

    Tuesday, May 17, 2011 at 1:46 am | Permalink