Skip to content

The Ryan Senior Voucher Plan (RSVP)

[Brilliant satire, reprinted from Bullseye Rooster by Fred Wickham]

The Ryan Senior Voucher Plan has been pretty well misrepresented by the liberal-left-loonies-on-lorazepam battalions. Here’s what it isn’t: it isn’t pretty, but pretty doesn’t win sailboat races. Here’s what it is: it’s pretty sensible. You give us cash, we give you vouchers for up to 50% of that cash to spend on any health-related program. Period. Imagine that, half your cash outflow returned to you in the form of $50 Equivalency Notes — backed by our Gold and Silver Melt. (It’s so good we named a sandwich after it). Equivalency Notes carry the RSVP Seal of Dignity. Compare that to the Seal of Dependency the democrats would offer you if they would even guarantee ObamaCare with a seal of anything.

RSVP vouchers are legal and medical tender good for thousands of pharmaceuticals. You can use them to pay for procedures, surgeries, even radiation (unless you are already receiving radiation through the Squabble-Talk cell-phone plan available from Market Incentive Senior Services).

Human achievement can only be measured in terms of the real wealth substitutes society offers its less fortunate. Visit a convenient Thumbs Down to Suffering counter at any WalMart. Simply trade in any amount of cash for RSVP vouchers and you will receive a Gold and Silver Melt sandwich. Okay, because you’re dying to know, it’s thick sourdough Texas Toast with a crunchy egg-white ‘n cashew batter, waffle-grilled with a resplendent golden-brown dignity glaze.

Of course, if health-care was just a tasty sandwich, we could leave you in the hands of the beltway socialist left. But as you age, you become disoriented. Easy answers literally enter your head through extra hairy ear canals. If they are remodulated in a Synapto-Cortical Labyrinth ™ from Pfizer’s new RIP division, these messages become clear: Yearn…yearn…yearn…urine…urine…urine…urine…you’re in…you’re in…you’re ingoo…you’re ingood…you’re in good hands with RSVP.

Deep down, we believe American Seniors are a worthwhile project for Free Market Capitalism. We wouldn’t have gone to all this trouble if it weren’t so. Communists have whittled down so much that is good about the aging public that it is sometimes difficult to look at a person over 65. With the proper care, we can make that 70, or 75, maybe even 80.

You told us your wanted a plan from the Republicans. Well, here it is.


Paul Ryan