“Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to President Obama? As soon as the president holds the baby it stops crying. Do you know how rare that is these days, that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it’s not his?” – Jay Leno
“That’s pretty amazing. The baby stopped crying as soon as the president held it. Obama should try that with John Boehner.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama will be in New York tomorrow night for a fundraiser at the Broadway musical ‘Sister Act.’ Meanwhile, Sarah Palin will be in town to do some hunting at “The Lion King.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Earlier tonight President Obama gave his speech about Afghanistan. He’s starting a new phase in the military campaign called operation reelection.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama announced that progress is being made in Afghanistan after the death of Osama bin Laden, which means we’re going to be bringing 10,000 troops home by the end of this year. Here’s what I don’t understand about Afghanistan: With all that opium lying around, you’d think it would be a mellower place.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, ‘It’s a trap, don’t do it!’ But President Obama’s tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner’s. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it’s the unemployment numbers.” – Jay Leno
“In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on ‘Tweeter.’ After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, “What an idiot! It’s ‘The Tweeter.”” – Conan O’Brien
“Senator John McCain is in a bit of hot water after he made an unsubstantiated claim that illegal immigrants caused the Arizona wildfires. He kind of backtracked today. Now he’s saying it was just the Metamucil talking.” – Jay Leno
“John McCain made his claim that illegal immigrants started the Arizona wildfires without doing his research. The last time he did that we got Sarah Palin.” – Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin has abruptly ended her bus tour of the United States. The idea was to drive around the country giving speeches in front of historical landmarks. Reportedly, she’s back in Alaska at home, which is weird because it’s not like her to quit something.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Sarah Palin has canceled the rest of her bus trip around America. She had to quit before she got to Mount Rushmore and somebody asked her to name the Presidents.” – Jay Leno
“Today Sarah Palin canceled her bus tour, reportedly canceling dates in Iowa, South Carolina, and New Hampshire. When asked why, Palin answered: ‘It turns out those places are nowhere near each other.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Bristol Palin released her much-anticipated memoir called ‘Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far.’ Bristol said that Levi Johnston cheated on her but then made it up to her by buying designer rain boots. Things are different up there, I guess.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“More bad news for Newt Gingrich. One week after his campaign staff quit, his campaign finance team quit. In fact, Newt was going to pull out of the race, but today the guy who writes his concession speeches quit. He can’t do anything.” – Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich announced he was running for president. His top advisers quit, and then his campaign fundraisers all quit. Newt was thinking, ‘I don’t need this, I’ll just put it all on my Tiffany’s credit card.'” – David Letterman
“It has now been revealed that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany’s for up to a million dollars. That sounds like a lot until you remember that Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion.” – Jay Leno
“Newt Gingrich bragged on his 3rd wife, saying, ‘She plays the French horn.’ Then things got awkward when he added, ‘If you know what I mean.’” – Conan O’Brien
“According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won’t get there for a long time.” – Jay Leno
“New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn’t even fluent in English.” – David Letterman
“New York Gov. Andy Cuomo will hold a special election on Sept. 13 to replace Anthony Weiner. Cuomo said, ‘anyone interested in the job should e-mail me at … actually, you’d just better call.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Here’s fascinating cultural, sociological news: New York City is very close to legalizing same-sex marriage. But until it becomes official, the only place in New York City where gay couples can actually marry is backstage at the Tony Awards.” – David Letterman
