[Reprinted from The Serum Magazine.]
| Candidate | What’s gone right | What’s gone wrong | Would definitely win nomination if… |
|---|---|---|---|
| Mitt Romney | Still zero bad hair days, lifetime | Despite Romney’s tough rhetoric, Obama has not yet conceded office to him | …elections were hosted by AmIHotOrNot.com |
| Rick Perry | Everybody hates all the actual candidates | He will eventually have to become a real candidate | …he takes credit for derailing Newt Gingrich’s campaign |
| Newt Gingrich | Everything has been great for Newt, if you believe that there’s no such thing as bad press | Even members of his own staff were unable to kid themselves | …he wasn’t held up to the same standard as other candidates, or really anyone in the public life whatsoever |
| Donald Trump | Celebrity Apprentice picked up for next season | Fucking Osama got shot | …his campaign was a task for John Rich to complete |
| Ron Paul | Hasn’t died of old age | Still aging | …he convinced the Supreme Court that non-votes are clearly a vote for him, libertarian hero Ron Paul |
| Michele Bachmann | World went crazy; media portraying her as serious, viable, and reasonable | Sarah Palin still a household name; world not big enough for two prominent women in politics | …her crazy eyes are just a hypnotism tool and their powers take hold by primary season |
| Sarah Palin | Recently released Governor’s office emails are too long to actually read, successfully burying her racist rants | Learned the hard way that media fact checks made up statements | …half the country preemptively moves to Canada |
| Herman Cain | Avoided having to re-pay all donations by successfully keeping all of his speeches 30 minutes of less | Running out of crazy shit to say | …a series of tragic events befall all other candidates |
| Jon Huntsman | Is occasionally remembered by people who follow 2012 politics | People keep criticizing his campaign logo, because that’d the only thing anyone knows about him | …people fear getting on his bad side when he convinces voters “Huntsman” isn’t his last name, it’s an accurate nickname |
| Rick Santorum | His name is not yet bleeped out on network television | His face is now considered a trigger on suicide-prevention websites | …hipsters decided to be reallyironic |
| Tim Pawlenty | Has not suffered a bad headline | Has not actually had a headline | …eh, probably has a good chance |
They also did a similar rundown at the end of March, and everything has changed since then. As everyone knows, even 24 hours is a very long time in politics, let alone a few months. So don’t take what any pundit says about who is going to win the Republican nomination very seriously.
