Skip to content

Republican Candidate Rundown

[Reprinted from The Serum Magazine.]

Candidate What’s gone right What’s gone wrong Would definitely win nomination if…
Mitt Romney Still zero bad hair days, lifetime Despite Romney’s tough rhetoric, Obama has not yet conceded office to him …elections were hosted by
Rick Perry Everybody hates all the actual candidates He will eventually have to become a real candidate …he takes credit for derailing Newt Gingrich’s campaign
Newt Gingrich Everything has been great for Newt, if you believe that there’s no such thing as bad press Even members of his own staff were unable to kid themselves …he wasn’t held up to the same standard as other candidates, or really anyone in the public life whatsoever
Donald Trump Celebrity Apprentice picked up for next season Fucking Osama got shot …his campaign was a task for John Rich to complete
Ron Paul Hasn’t died of old age Still aging …he convinced the Supreme Court that non-votes are clearly a vote for him, libertarian hero Ron Paul
Michele Bachmann World went crazy; media portraying her as serious, viable, and reasonable Sarah Palin still a household name; world not big enough for two prominent women in politics …her crazy eyes are just a hypnotism tool and their powers take hold by primary season
Sarah Palin Recently released Governor’s office emails are too long to actually read, successfully burying her racist rants Learned the hard way that media fact checks made up statements …half the country preemptively moves to Canada
Herman Cain Avoided having to re-pay all donations by successfully keeping all of his speeches 30 minutes of less Running out of crazy shit to say …a series of tragic events befall all other candidates
Jon Huntsman Is occasionally remembered by people who follow 2012 politics People keep criticizing his campaign logo, because that’d the only thing anyone knows about him …people fear getting on his bad side when he convinces voters “Huntsman” isn’t his last name, it’s an accurate nickname
Rick Santorum His name is not yet bleeped out on network television His face is now considered a trigger on suicide-prevention websites …hipsters decided to beĀ reallyironic
Tim Pawlenty Has not suffered a bad headline Has not actually had a headline …eh, probably has a good chance

They also did a similar rundown at the end of March, and everything has changed since then. As everyone knows, even 24 hours is a very long time in politics, let alone a few months. So don’t take what any pundit says about who is going to win the Republican nomination very seriously.