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Late Night Political Humor

“This debt crisis still isn’t solved, but yesterday, the White House said it’s working on a ‘plan B’. Unfortunately, the B stands for ‘bake sale.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn’t reached by Aug. 2, nothing will happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We are over $14 trillion in debt, but the ‘feels like’ is $20 trillion.” – David Letterman

“Speaking of the debt crisis, I read that if the U.S. debt were stacked in $100 bills, it would be as long as two football fields and as high as the statue of liberty. You know, just in case $14 trillion didn’t seem like a lot to you.” – Jimmy Fallon

“They say that the United States might default on its loans and China might foreclose. We’ll have to move into a cheap rental country or something.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its bills. We may have to move in with Canada for a while.” – Conan O’Brien

“Economists are worried if we fall into default “the good name of the United States” would suffer in the eyes of the world. Oh, shut up. We lost that fight the day we sent the cast of “Jersey Shore” to Italy.” – Jay Leno

“The number one movie in the country is “Captain America.” Analysts say this movie is successful because it takes place in the 40’s and has a retro feel. The film takes audiences back to a time where America could actually fight a war and get out of a depression at the same time. Whole different thing from today.” – Jay Leno

“John Boehner told Republicans to ‘get in line.’ He was very angry. His face turned from orange to mandarin orange.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are friends again. There you have it. Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton are now more mature than President Obama and John Boehner.” ” – Jimmy Fallon

“A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is ‘corrupt.’ The other 64 percent think Congress is ‘extremely corrupt.'” – Jay Leno

“We’re under a heat dome, and meteorologists believe it’s due to Michele Bachmann’s hair spray.” – David Letterman

“I guess the reason conservatives hate it when liberals play the victim card is that it distracts from the real victims: conservatives.” – Jon Stewart

“I had no idea that life for conservatives was so difficult in this country. Tell me a little bit, if you would, about the bad people holding your kind back.” – Jon Stewart

“Jeb Bush is toying with the idea of running for president. Well, I’m toying with the idea of drinking again.” – David Letterman

“According to a new poll, President Obama is losing support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it is, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.” – Jay Leno

“George W. Bush will give his first interview about the killing of Osama bin Laden next month on cable TV. It’s expected to be the highest-rated episode ever of ‘Cake Boss’.” – Conan O’Brien

“NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the drive-thru that was like, ‘One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Manchester United is the most valuable sports franchise in the world. A few years ago, it was the target of a takeover by Captain Evil himself: Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch was going to buy Manchester United for less than he usually pays for a prime minister.” – Craig Ferguson



  1. Tony wrote:

    Did you mistype, or does Jay Leno really not know how to subtract 46 from 100?

    Thursday, August 4, 2011 at 5:38 pm | Permalink
  2. tim firch wrote:

    Same question. Is there a subtlety here I missed.

    Thursday, August 4, 2011 at 6:07 pm | Permalink
  3. Iron Knee wrote:

    That’s what my transcript says, but I don’t know if Leno actually said it or if there was an error in transcription. It was from July 27th — does anyone have a video of it to check?

    Of course, do we really care? Subtlety has never been a word I would use to describe Jay Leno.

    Thursday, August 4, 2011 at 6:53 pm | Permalink
  4. Dan wrote:

    In another Leno quote he fails to mention that in the 40’s our national debt was more then 100% of GDP, a great deal of that debt held by Americans due to “bond drives.” Also taxes for the upper bracket were a bit higher.

    Friday, August 5, 2011 at 1:46 pm | Permalink