“We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?” – Jay Leno
“We finally have a deal on the debt ceiling. But get this – Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver is referring to the plan as a ‘sugar-coated Satan sandwich.’ Or as Americans put it, ‘Sugar-coated? Yum – I’ll take six, please!” – Jimmy Fallon
“If the Senate approves the debt deal, President Obama will sign it into law by the end of the day. All it took was the threat of financial Armageddon to get both sides working together.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough.” – David Letterman
“The debt deal sets the debt limit until 2013. The best part is that it prevents another ‘Smurfs’ movie before 2014.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s what they call a ‘two-step’ deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama says that for his birthday, he wants a deal on the national debt. In other news, Michelle Obama is at the Apple store trying to buy a $4 trillion iTunes gift card.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can,’ to ‘Yes we cave.'” – Jay Leno
“Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull.” – David Letterman
“Democrats say they didn’t lie down. They say they were planking.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Oprah Winfrey announced plans to return to television with a new show. That’s how bad things are in this country – even Oprah has run out of money.” – Conan O’Brien
“An ex-Louisiana governor just married a woman 51 years younger. Or as Hugh Hefner put it, ‘Does she have a daughter?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. The best part about having an illegitimate kid is an extra birthday present this year.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“McDonald’s is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It’s nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they’re like, ‘Cool! I made this.'” – Jimmy Fallon
