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Late Night Political Humor

“Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, ‘I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.’ In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, ‘Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.'” – Conan O’Brien

“You want a president who would, in a rainstorm, grab America’s hand and take shelter with America in a nearby barn. Maybe help America out of its wet clothes. Maybe lay America down on some hay bales. And then, as America and Rick Perry become one, the sounds of their lovemaking merging with the thunderstorm’s cacophony, the barn shutters rattling, the livestock, the livestock they want to look away but they can’t, their eyes are transfixed. I am Rick Perry and, unlike Barack Obama, I will fuck the shit out of America.” – Jon Stewart (riffing on Rick Perry’s remark that Americans should want a president who’s “in love” with America)

“Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it’s actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, ‘My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, ‘I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich, who came in 8th place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he’s ‘not dead yet.’ Then he was invited on ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ and he said, ‘OK, now I’m dead.'” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is riding around the Midwest in a bus, because nothing inspires confidence in the American economy like a President riding around in a bus. The President should be on a jet-ski with a machine gun.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Republican front-runner Mitt Romney is mocking Obama’s bus caravan, calling it The Magical Misery Tour, which is sort of funny coming from the President of the Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hair Club for Men.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama’s new slogan is: ‘I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.'” – Jon Stewart

“The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology.” – Conan O’Brien

“A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn’t sound too bad to me. You’d probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.” – Jimmy Kimmel



  1. Dan wrote:

    For some reason whenever something doesn’t happen the “we” in “yes we can,” suddenly seems to become an “I” as Obama gets the blame.

    Monday, August 22, 2011 at 10:22 am | Permalink
  2. Iron Knee wrote:

    Good point, Dan. When we point the finger at Obama and say that he is giving up too easily, what we are really saying is that *we* are giving up too easily.

    Monday, August 22, 2011 at 5:26 pm | Permalink