“The Occupy Wall Street protesters gathered outside Rupert Murdoch’s house chanting, ‘What do we want?’ Murdoch interrupted saying, ‘I already know, I hacked your phones.'” – Craig Ferguson
“The Occupy Wall Street protesters traveled around New York to stand outside the mansions of the most wealthy people in New York. Is that protesting or tourism?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Don’t protest outside of a rich man’s house in the daytime, you’ll just scare the maid, and that’s Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job.” – Craig Ferguson
“Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there’s more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there’s also a few napkins and crazy bread.” – Conan O’Brien
“Herman Cain was in 2nd place in most of the national polls, behind Mitt Romney. Apparently his message of ‘less government, more toppings’ has been well received.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“At tonight’s Republican debate, former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain was given the center seat. You can tell Cain was in the center because he was wearing one of those little plastic tables that protects the cheese.” – Jimmy Fallon
“For tonight’s debate each Republican candidate was paired with a professional dancer.” – David Letterman
“Tim Pawlenty says he regrets quitting the presidential race so early. He said that when he runs in 2016, his campaign slogan will be, ‘Tim Pawlenty: This Time I’ll Quit Later.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It’s good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side. Unless you’re in a canoe.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady’s glasses.” – Conan O’Brien
“Two Americans won the Nobel Prize for economics. That’s like the Chinese winning for child day care.” – Jay Leno
“Unemployed Americans are moving to China to find work. You need a fake ID, not to say you’re Chinese, just to say you’re under 10 years old.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Michelle Obama attempted to set a world record for jumping jacks. I think that will make unemployment a little easier to tolerate.” – David Letterman
“A Florida report says there are fewer bad drivers because the economy is keeping people off the road. Now, the White House is saying they don’t have a failed economic plan, they have a successful highway safety plan.” – Jay Leno
“The Washington Post says that President Obama is not a people person, and is a neurotic loner without any friends. It’s like I have a twin.” – David Letterman
“President Obama announced that he is going to visit Detroit on Friday. Why? The Tigers are in the Playoffs, the Lions are undefeated, car sales are going through the roof – why ruin it with a presidential speech? They are doing fine. Don’t go there.” – Jay Leno
“Happy birthday to Bo, the White House dog. It looks like he may be a one-term dog.” – David Letterman
“San Francisco hosted the first medical marijuana job fair. The keynote speech was titled, ‘Jobs and How to Avoid Getting One.'” – Jay Leno
