“No one in the media is giving Herman Cain credit for having been faithful to the same mistress for 13 years.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Cain now says he’s consulting with his family whether to stay in the race. Really? You think that’s what he’s discussing with his wife, about staying in the race? How about staying in the house?” – Jay Leno
Stephen Colbert: Have you slept with Herman Cain?
Siri: I was young, and I needed the job.
“According to an online poll of what people will write on their holiday cards this year, 60% will write ‘Merry Christmas.’ Nineteen percent will write ‘Happy holidays.’ And 1% will write ‘Keep our 13 year affair quiet, I’m trying to run for president.'” – Jay Leno
“One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. Isn’t that nice? And if front of that is a 400-pound ginger bread ‘foreclosed’ sign.” – Conan O’Brien
“It is the holiday season over at the White House. The theme for this year’s Christmas is ‘Shine, Give, Share.’ While rumor is, the theme of next year’s White House Christmas will be ‘Clean, Pack, Move.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“I was in the supermarket today, and I saw some Occupy Wall Street protesters in the dairy department. They were protesting the 1 percent milk.” – Jay Leno
“Congress just lifted a ban on producing and exporting horse meat. Or as Taco Bell put it, ‘There was a ban on that?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Authorities have discovered what they call the most sophisticated tunnel ever found underneath the U.S.-Mexican border, being built by a Mexican drug cartel. And Gov. Rick Perry asked the question we’re all asking: ‘Why can’t these tunnels be dug by hard-working American drug cartels?'” – Jay Leno