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Late Night Political Humor

“Rick Santorum has come out against contraception and against college. He wants us literally to be fucking stupid.” – Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum nearly won Ohio, despite a flood of ads that said that Rick Santorum is a creepy, far-right, socially backward extremist – and those were his ads. That’s how he sells himself.” – Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum today won the Kansas caucuses beating Mitt Romney by 30 percent. Santorum was expected to do well in Kansas because it’s also a giant square.” – Seth Meyers

“Mitt Romney won a key victory in the Ohio Super Tuesday primary narrowly beating Rick Santorum by just 1 percent. Specifically, the 1 percent.” – Seth Meyers

“Romney is not a regular guy. He was campaigning in Mississippi this week and said ‘some of my best friends spill oil in this gulf.’” – Bill Maher

“Here’s an actual quote. Romney was in Mississippi yesterday, and he said, ‘I’m learning to say y’all, and I like grits.’ And then he took out a pair of pliers and yanked out three of his teeth.” – Bill Maher

“Poor Mitt Romney. He can’t get the hang of campaigning like a regular guy. He’s always remind people of his vast wealth. Today he demanded to see Obama’s gift certificate.” – Bill Maher

“In the south, Mitt is going to have trouble with the whole Mormon thing. When he says sister wife down there, it means a whole different thing.” – Bill Maher

“That Mitt Romney, he is a master campaigner. This week he was introducing his wife, and he said, ‘She is the heavyweight champion of my life.” Which may explain why on the ride home, he was strapped to the roof of the car.” – Bill Maher

“To recap the Republican views on women: you can’t have birth control, you’re sluts, and you’re fat. Vote for me in November everyone.” – Bill Maher

“Don’t pay eight thousand dollars for a McNugget that looks like George Washington. At least until you have Sarah Palin authenticate it. She could tell you if it really resembles the father of our country, the man who won the war on Christmas, crossed the Danube, signed the Declaration of Constitution, and accepted the surrender of Cornwallis at Funkytown. Newt Gingrich is a historian too, but don’t show it to him or he’ll just eat it.” – Bill Maher

“Despite only winning the Super Tuesday primary in Georgia, Newt Gingrich vowed to continue his campaign, saying ‘I’m the tortoise. I take it one step at a time. Also, if you roll me onto my back I can never get up.’” – Seth Meyers

“Rush Limbaugh has lost so many advertisers that on Thursday there was five minutes on his show of dead air. And most observers agree he’s never been so eloquent.” – Bill Maher

“Just for shits and giggles, John McCain must make a speech on the Senate floor where he calls on America to not bomb someone. This week, John McCain said we needed to bomb Syria. Because he’s John McCain. And it’s a country. Duh. John McCain thinks countries need bombing like your waiter thinks food needs fresh pepper. Remember how we let John Glenn go back into space when he was 77? We should let John McCain fly one more airstrike. He’s only 75. Let him do it. Then, when he crashes, we can send John Glenn to rescue him, and Ed Harris can play them both in the movie.” – Bill Maher