“Political candidates have to be very inventive when it comes to fund-raising because there are federal laws. So Mitt Romney had a thing where if you would give him $50,000 you could spend the weekend with him. And for an extra $5,000 he will let you touch his hair.” – David Letterman
“A group of gay Republicans called GOProud has endorsed Mitt Romney. There was some confusion. When they heard Romney had a reputation for going either way, they didn’t know that meant flip-flopping.” – Jay Leno
“Over the weekend, Mitt Romney held a retreat for his donors, which included dancing. At one point, people started doing ‘The Robot’ – or as Romney calls that, ‘The Me’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney’s weekend retreat also included a buffet dinner. Which explains why Governor Chris Christie’s invitation got ‘lost in the mail.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Obama called Romney a pioneer of outsourcing jobs. A spokesperson for Romney said, ‘I dare him to come to India and say that to my face.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election.” – Craig Ferguson
“President Obama would be affected too. Because if there’s no more Hawaii, where would he pretend to be born?” – Craig Ferguson
“I think if any state has a chance to come up with a technological solution to rising sea levels, it’s California. In Hollywood, we’re going to do our part by making a crappy reality show about it.” – Craig Ferguson
“Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it.” – Craig Ferguson
“Republicans are now talking about President Obama, saying he’s not much of a president. They’re also saying he is a lousy vampire hunter.” – David Letterman
“Yesterday President Obama released a new commercial aimed at female voters. Which explains the commercial’s title, ‘Fifty Shades of Change.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Chicago police are sponsoring a gun buy-back program. Anyone who returns a gun, no questions asked, gets a $100 gift certificate in return. To which attorney general Eric Holder said, ‘Why didn’t I think of that?'” – Jay Leno
“This week a woman in Florida got into trouble for groping a TSA agent while she was getting a pat-down. Or as the TSA put it, ‘The student has become the master.'” – Jimmy Fallon
