“Republicans like Paul Ryan because they say he’s a fiscal conservative, and that’s a perfect balance for Romney who’s a guy that has an elevator for his Cadillacs.” – David Letterman
“Thank you for coming out on a hot day. The heat has not let up here. It was 109 today in Los Angeles. I was sweating like a Medicare patient at a Romney-Ryan rally.” – Jay Leno
“It was so hot Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth just to cool it off.” – Jay Leno
“Biden has made too many mistakes for Obama and he’s fed up. So today President Obama called Mitt Romney and asked Mitt if he would fire Biden.” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney has selected Paul Ryan as his running mate. They say this could be a big boost for the Republican ticket and I was thinking, ‘Well, Joe Biden could be a big boost for the Republican ticket, you know?'” – David Letterman
“President Obama visited a wind farm in Iowa. You know, just one wind farm with 50 turbines generates as much wind power as a single Joe Biden speech.” – Jay Leno
“The White House just revealed that it brews its own beer and President Obama drinks it when out campaigning. And even more of it when Joe Biden goes out campaigning.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney said he wants to cut funding for things like Amtrak and PBS, both of which are subsidized by the government. I don’t like the idea of cutting funds for PBS. Things are bad enough already. One of the Muppets is living in a garbage can.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Porn star Jenna Jameson has come out for Mitt Romney. So this election could have a happy ending after all.” – Jay Leno
“Endorsed by Jenna Jameson; how is that possible? The Democrats are losing the porn star vote? Let me tell you, that would never have happened under Bill Clinton.” – Jay Leno
“Donald Trump says he has a big surprise in store for everybody at the Republican National Convention this year – a surprise he says people will love. So apparently he’s not going.” – Jay Leno
“A new Gallup poll shows that only 1 in 10 Americans approve of the job Congress is doing. A 10 percent approval rating is about the same approval rating that rabies has.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“According to a new poll, atheism is becoming more and more popular among Americans. God only knows why.” – Jay Leno
“The U.S. military is sending surveillance blimps to monitor the U.S. border with Mexico. It’s a great plan until everyone looks up and sees the blimps.” – Jimmy Fallon
