“There’s a lot going on tonight. The first NFL game tonight, the Democratic National Convention, a new episode of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Everything that we are as a nation is all rolled up into one tonight.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn’t get President Obama out of Bill Clinton’s shadow.” – Jay Leno
“Bill Clinton will be at the Democratic convention. Say what you will, but Clinton is still polling very well. I tell you, sometimes these jokes just write themselves.” – David Letterman
“At the Democratic National Convention, two of the speakers were identical twin brothers, Joaquin and Julian Castro. Apparently promising identical twins was the only way to get Bill Clinton to show up. Man, was he disappointed.” – Conan O’Brien
“In his speech last night, San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro said that Mitt Romney has no idea how good he’s had it. I don’t think that’s true. I think Mitt Romney knows how good he’s had it. He just doesn’t want us to know how good he’s had it.” – Jay Leno
“First lady Michelle Obama is receiving praise for the speech she gave last night at the Democratic National Convention. Everyone was impressed. Even Fox News called it ‘not the worst’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Did you watch the speech by Michelle Obama at the Convention Tuesday night? It was powerful, it was exhilarating, it was thrilling, it was motivating. At the end of the speech I thought, ‘Whoa, she can do much better than him.'” – David Letterman
“Michelle Obama said the first car Barack picked her up in was so old, you could see ground below them. Today, Ann Romney said the same thing about Mitt’s first helicopter.” – Conan O’Brien
“In her speech, First Lady Michelle Obama said her husband has dinner with his girls where they strategize about middle school relationship. Which explains why today the Pentagon ordered a drone strike on that lying bitch Ashley.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today, the Democrats added the word ‘God’ to the official party platform. It’s in the part that reads, ‘Did you see Michelle Obama’s biceps. Oh, my God!'” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s been reported that one of the surprise speakers at the Democratic convention is going to be Scarlett Johansson. For her speech , she’ll be talking to an empty chair and telling it, ‘Hey, my eyes are up here!” – Conan O’Brien
“They announced today that they are moving President Obama’s speech tomorrow night indoors, from the 74,000-seat stadium to a smaller venue due to the possibility of severe weather. See, apparently the campaign is concerned about this well-known weather phenomenon known as empty seats.” – Jay Leno
“Actually, President Obama’s speech at the DNC has been moved inside to the Time Warner Arena. You can tell it’s Time Warner because Obama will give the speech two weeks from Friday, between the hours of 12 and 4.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A fun fact: At this year’s Democratic convention, eight percent of the delegates are gay, a historic record. This will be the first time a presidential candidate will be nominated by a show of jazz hands.” – Conan O’Brien
“The stoner comedy duo Harold and Kumar are starring in a new promo for the Democratic convention alongside President Obama, which is pretty impressive. The only other person to go from smoking pot with buddies to the White House is President Obama.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama’s re-election campaign said that this year they’ll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There’s so many foreclosures it’s tough to tell where people live.” – Jay Leno
“The Republican Convention ended on Thursday. The Democratic Convention began last night. In between was a travel day for hookers.” – David Letterman
“Apparently last week the Republicans had originally planned to have a Ronald Reagan three-dimensional hologram speak at the Republican convention. They decided against it. I guess they were concerned that Reagan would come across as more life-like that Mitt Romney.” – Jay Leno
“Last week at the Republican convention, no one mentioned the Tea Party. And listen to this, if it wasn’t for Ann Romney, no one at the Republican convention would have mentioned Mitt.” – David Letterman
“If Mitt Romney looks familiar it’s because for 18 years on All My Children he played Palmer Courtland.” – David Letterman
“Mitt looks like every model in the Sky Mall catalogue.” – David Letterman
