“Can President Obama get the support of gun owners? Yes, after a four-year waiting period.” – Stephen Colbert
“Obama gave his State of the Union speech and went through a laundry list of things, most of them very centrist — like he said he wanted universal preschool. He said he got the idea from trying to work with the Republicans in Congress the last few years.” – Bill Maher
“After Obama’s speech, the Cuban guy in the Republican Party reached for a bottle of water, and he looked like a mime stuck in a box.” – Bill Maher
“New Rule: Someone has to tell Marco Rubio something I learned a long time ago: never get high before a show. You wind up making no sense, and you develop a bad case of cottonmouth. Plus, the next time Rubio panders to Latinos by releasing an all-Spanish version of a speech, when he stops for a water break, he has to drink from the hose.” – Bill Maher
“Did you watch that speech? John Boehner sat behind him with this look on his face, like a guy enduring a long story from a restroom attendant.” – Bill Maher
“Obama hosted a Google chat and somebody asked him why don’t we get rid of the penny. And he said as long as we’re getting rid of stuff that’s bronze and useless, how about John Boehner?” – Bill Maher
“GOP civil war — of course the first thing they’ll have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag.” – Stephen Colbert
“Sen. Mitch McConnell came out for legalizing hemp. He said during these tough economic times, this legislation has the potential to create jobs, provide a boost to Kentucky’s economy and our farmers, and it also makes SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious.” – Bill Maher
“Pope Benedict is the first Pope to resign since the Middle Age. The Middle Ages — a period of history the Catholic Church refers to as now.” – Bill Maher
“February 28 is when the Pope turns in his badge and his scepter. Then we’re going to have a period where there’s no Pope. And the Vatican says until a new Pope is installed, pedophile priests have to make their own travel arrangements.” – Bill Maher
“It’s been five years since the economic meltdown. And while even I used to be mad at Wall Street — at this point, who can even remember who wired the global financial system to a roulette wheel, while jacked on enough cocaine to bring down a bison?” – Stephen Colbert
“I believe in American exceptionalism. And this is an insult to American gays, who I may not approve of, but I believe they are the gayest in the world. Our gay people — they are not just homosexual, they’re homo-ceptional.” – Stephen Colbert
