“Last night a toilet flooded the lobby where the Oscars show was being held. The show won an Oscar for best portrayal of a Carnival cruise.” – Conan O’Brien
“First Lady Michelle Obama won an Academy Award for best bangs.” – David Letterman
“Big winner last night was ‘Life of Pi,’ a story of a young man who wakes up in a lifeboat with a hyena, zebra, orangutan, and tiger, which oddly enough, is also the plot of ‘The Hangover 3’.” – Conan O’Brien
“The entire cast of ‘Les Miserables’ performed a song from the movie, featuring Russell Crowe. Or as the cast of ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ put it, ‘Now this is torture’.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Unlike Jesus, with my book, you don’t have to wait a thousand years for the second edition.” – Stephen Colbert
“South Korea’s first female president was sworn in. Meanwhile, North Korea said, ‘We’re just going to stick with men named Kim.'” – Conan O’Brien
