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Late Night Political Humor

“How about that Rand Paul? There was some old-fashioned Mr. Smith Goes to Washington excitement this week. He filibustered the old-school way. He stood up there for 13 hours and demanded an answer from the president about whether it’s constitutional to kill an American on American soil with a drone. And Obama shot back, ‘Don’t push me!’” – Bill Maher

“Back in 1957 Mr. Strom Thurmond stood up there for 24 hours, pausing only once to impregnate a black lady, so I’m not impressed.” – Bill Maher

“Obama took twelve Republicans out to dinner this week, at a restaurant; like a date, and he picked up the tab…he put down the White House credit card. Bad news for the economy, it was denied.” – Bill Maher

“Two key questions emerged from the dinner: 1) whether anything can get done without the Repbulican leadership; and 2) why do John McCain and Lindsey Graham always go to the bathroom in pairs. I’m just going to call them McCainsey from now on.” – Bill Maher

“They’re calling it Obama’s charm offensive because he took Republicans to dinner, and then he had Paul Ryan over for lunch. And it’s working apparently. This has been the problem all along. Republicans will put out, you just have to buy them a meal and tell them they are pretty first.” – Bill Maher

“If seeing this nice lady (Michelle Obama) on TV saying she likes the movies, or nutrition, or exercise fills you with rage, get help.” – Bill Maher

“The TSA this week announced that it will now allow airline passengers to carry previously banned pocket knives, baseball bats and pool cues on planes. And no one’s happier than Honkytonk Bar Fight Airlines.” – Seth Meyers

“North Korea this week announced they are sick of our shit and thermo-nuclear war is on. Which made everyone think ‘What the fuck did Dennis Rodman say?!’” – Bill Maher

“Republicans in Arkansas passed the strictest abortion law ever… they say in the bill that life begins when your sister gets drunk.” – Bill Maher

“A poll came out this week and said a large majority of American Catholics want someone younger and all the cardinals said ‘girlfriend, who doesn’t’.” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: If you buy the new hybrid electric Ferrari – fuck you. A one-million dollar hybrid – that ought to impress the hippie chicks selling soap at the farmer’s market. Finally, the car for a billionaire who wants his carbon footprint to be as small as his penis.” – Bill Maher


One Comment

  1. Mountain Man wrote:

    Strom Thurmond – THERE was a man! A _____, ______, ________, man, but a man – at least of a type. If I ran the show, that dude would have had an early and unpleasant ending – and a long and unpleasant hereafter.

    The fact that such a ____ actually had a long life and left it beloved of his constituents suggests to me one of two things – either I’m totally wrong and Heaven approves of such offal as Strom Thurmond or … well, Robert G. Ingersoll had it right. Don’t know who Robert G. Ingersoll was. Check him out some time. I’ll take Old Bob over Old Strom every time!

    Monday, March 18, 2013 at 8:41 pm | Permalink