“Down in Texas Thursday is the opening of the George Bush Presidential Library and Think Tank. I think he’s in the shallow end.” – Jay Leno
“According to new poll information, Americans now think very strongly positive about George W. Bush. By God, maybe there’s hope for me!” – David Letterman
“I mean, at the end of this man’s presidency, even as my fellow conservatives were abandoning Bush like rats on a sinking ship on a crash course with Cat Island, I remained faithful, and I’m sure he knows that from the warrantless wiretaps he authorized.” – Stephen Colbert
“Senator John McCain went on TV this week to call Kim Jong-Un a clown and a fool. As you know, according to John McCain, that would still make him eligible to be vice president.” – Jay Leno
“U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong Un. They say he’s a narcissist, and he is obsessed with Hollywood, obsessed with plastic surgery, and obsessed with the NBA. It’s a condition we know as ‘Kardashianism’.” – Jay Leno
“Computer hackers hacked into The Associated Press Twitter account and they faked reports about an attack on the White House. And I thought, ‘Wait a minute, the real news isn’t bad enough? Now we’re making up bad news?'” – David Letterman
“These brothers killed a young policeman, carjacked an SUV, ending with a high-speed chase and a firefight in which Tamerlan was mortally wounded, ending his life as all Islamic terrorists dream: at Beth Israel Hospital.” – Stephen Colbert (on the Boston Marathon bombers)
“Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It’s like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar.” – David Letterman
“Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing same-sex mistresses.” – Craig Ferguson
