“Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book ‘1984’ have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It’s making Americans read.” – Conan O’Brien
“Evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin and his wife, Connie, have been married a long time, and everybody thought they were happily married. Well, last week Putin announced he was divorcing Connie. And when Chris Humphries heard that, he said, ‘You can do that, really?'” – David Letterman
“So far, it’s a very amicable divorce. So far, Connie is still alive.” – David Letterman
“There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an excuse? ‘Honey, I’m not looking at her breasts. I’m working for Homeland Security’.” – Jay Leno
“Hispanic Senator Ted Cruz, who is fighting the immigration bill, described himself as Obama-phobic. You know you have Obama phobia if you’ll deport immigrants even though your last name is Cruz.” – Conan O’Brien
“Conservative commentator Glenn Beck is suffering from paralyzed vocal cords that have made him unable to speak. But not to worry – doctors are working around the clock to make sure this condition continues.” – Conan O’Brien
“We have New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and chef Mario Batali on the show tonight. It’s great to have a guest who’s so passionate about food. And it’s an honor to have Mario Batali here as well.” – Jimmy Fallon
