“During a fundraiser last night, Mitt Romney told Republicans that they need to pick a candidate for 2016 who can actually win. And Republicans said, ‘Yeah, I wish you told us that last year. But hey, thanks a lot.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Republican National Committee now says if NBC and CNN don’t pull plans for a Hillary Clinton miniseries and movie, they won’t hold any Republican debates on those networks. That works for me! Now if we could just get the Democrats to pull their debates, we wouldn’t have to watch any of that crap.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama has called off a summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin because of diplomatic differences. Also, Obama didn’t like Putin’s demand that the summit be held shirtless and on horseback.” – Conan O’Brien
“We had President Obama on the show last night. It was a huge honor, but all the security made it difficult getting into the building. Security was checking IDs, the Secret Service was searching cars, Donald Trump was out front checking birth certificates — it was crazy.” – Jay Leno
“U.S. embassies are closed all around the Middle East this week due to a terrorist threat. What happened was the U.S. intercepted a conference call of 20 Al Qaeda operatives. Twenty on one conference call! Who is their carrier? I go under a bridge and my cellphone drops the call, but they can get 20 people in one call from a cave?” – Jay Leno
“Michelle Obama’s new initiative is to fight obesity through hip-hop. She hopes it goes better than the previous initiative – fighting marijuana use through reggae.” – Conan O’Brien
“This story just gets crazier: Two more women have come forward to accuse San Diego Mayor Bob Filner of sexual misconduct. That brings the total to 13 — or as Filner calls it, a groper’s dozen.” – Jay Leno
