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Late Night Political Humor

“The last couple of weeks have been very tough for Republicans because of course they always have to call for the opposite of whatever Obama is saying or doing. And this has been hard when Obama himself has been changing his mind pretty much on a daily basis. First he was against the bombing, of course they were for it. Then he was for the bombing, now they’re against it. Now there’s a peace plan on the table, and the same Republicans who were saying he was acting too rash to call for strikes on Syria are now calling him a wimp for going with the diplomacy. They say in the end, whether he chooses war or peace, the hard truth is either way he is still inarguably, hopelessly black.” – Bill Maher

“It should be in the dictionary: ‘Black-track’, the act of changing one’s mind because President Obama has agreed with you. See also: ‘Pulling a one-hatey’, or the ‘Kenyan boomerang’.” – Bill Maher

“This would be simple if we had a Republican president because a Republican president could get a Republican Congress to bomb Sea World.” – Bill Maher

“McCain wants war so much, he resents meth labs because they blow themselves up.” – Bill Maher

“I am with the majority who don’t want to strike Syria. As horrible as chemical weapons are, lots of people don’t want to start new shit in the Middle East. I never understood the rationale behind this: ‘Assad you bastard, you monster, you have crossed a line no human may ever cross, even in war. We are going to bomb you. But just a little. Just a little poke there Satan.'” – Bill Maher

“It’s not that easy to go and secure all these chemical weapons. For one thing, the Syrians have been scattering stockpiles of the chemical weapons all over. They’ve even got some stored here in the U.S. It’s called Monsanto.” – Bill Maher

“The way it’s going to work is Assad is going to turn over his chemical weapons to Russia, who will then of course sell them to China, who will repackage them as off-brand roach spray, and you can get them at the 99 cent store.” – Bill Maher

“The peacemaker is Vladimir Putin. He is going to help us secure the chemical weapons, because if there is one thing you can trust Putin with, it’s poison. ” – Bill Maher

“Putin wrote that Op Ed in The New York Times yesterday and lectured America on democracy. This is like getting parenting notes from Billy Ray Cyrus.” – Bill Maher

“New Rule: Now that it’s been 60 years, Americans must accept the fact that rock stars like to mime sex acts on stage. Yes, they’re acting all hot and horny but they’re a lot like Congress; when all is said and done, what they’re actually doing is fucking nothing.” – Bill Maher

“Anthony Weiner did not really exit in a very classy way. After his concession speech, as he was leaving, the press was taunting him, and they got a picture through the window of the car of him holding up his middle finger. At least we hope that was his middle finger.” – Bill Maher

“New Rule: Anthony Weiner has to tell us how long he waited after he’d lost his election before he went back to jerking off with strangers online. Unless the answer is, ‘What do you think I’m doing behind this podium right now?'” – Bill Maher